I am not scared of commitment. However, will that commitment slowly suck the joy out of my life? THAT’S what scares the hell outta me!
You don’t notice it happening because it is so incremental. A little suggestion here, a snide remark there. A frown or a look that says …‘what are you even thinking?’
A distancing of emotional closeness in public, a hold back of same at home from a perceived hurt.
The baited communication you responded to.. given so freely, is attacked and decoded until you barely recognize it.
Future communication then has to be filtered and strained through a sieve for unperceived flaws.. guarded .. to protect the innocent. Enthusiasm for interactions with friends and family needs to be toned down or even covered up.
Expressing joy invites a special need to extinguish the source. Unadorned joy outside of the parameters of the commitment are quickly leashed- in and caged.
The need to follow unspoken rules to keep harmony, hmmm.. scratch that… to keep the rumblings of distant thunder at bay. Trouble is the climate keeps changing and it s only a matter of time before the storm rolls in to create havoc!
Trying to weave harmony into this fabric when the threads are made up of hurt and disappointment only invites discord and anger. I try to seek out the different patterns , various fabrics and even special needles…
…until eventually I want to stick the needles into my eyes rather than continue in this god forsaken joyless life.
Commitment.. you say?
Let’s just stay
rule the waves