Trying to hurt me by bringing up my past is like trying to rob my old house. I don’t live there anymore!
What an eye-opener that was when it came across my Facebook feed this morning. It has no bearing on my life now but when I was married it carried a lot of weight. My Ex had a memory like an elephant.. they say an elephant never forgets. The sad part is a lot of people still feel the need to hang onto old baggage.
I was sitting outside around a table at my daughter’s place a few years after the divorce and my ex was there. He turned to me and said;
“I have been thinking a lot about Katherine and her family this last while.”
He never cared for my best friend Katherine and wasn’t ever happy with me spending time with her. Being a controlling husband, most men that are controlling try to keep their partners away from their friends and family. Yes, I didn’t object, but I also didn’t know any better at the time and was still trying to figure out how to keep the peace in my marriage. When we know better we do better according to Maya Angelou. I was curious at this remark and knew it wasn’t because he cared about them in any way. I looked right at him and said;
“Why on earth would you be wasting your time thinking about her and her family? I can pretty much guarantee that she has not wasted one moment thinking about you.”
It was a bit Harsh I know but I was through playing mind games when I left him. He starts out like he’s interested or really cares but is usually only warming up to saying something that isn’t nice at all. I’m not getting into husband/Ex bashing, I am only stating what I know. That statement at the top brought back memories that I would sooner forget.
I DON’T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.. my life today has no comparison to that old house. I merely wanted to point this out to all out there reading this. I live in Stonebridge now and it’s really nice here.. ok so that was my attempt at humour and wanting to lighten this up a bit. Do you drag up the past in your fights? We don’t do this with friends, at least I don’t think so. Why do we do it with our partners? I am not innocent because I used to do it too, but I am also a forgive and forget kinda gal. Lord knows I forgave otherwise it would be a sexless marriage for me. My anger would keep me from sleeping with him until I did.
A week or more could go by and I’d be craving some closeness, but still be mad as hell. So I’d pull out my mental slate-board and will myself to “forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does” and then I’d wipe that slate clean. It was what I needed to do. It was a strategy/game that I alone played, it was my way to cope and stay married. I wonder if anyone else plays these stupid mental games in relationships? I feel like I was the only one. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong all the time and blamed myself. I also made a mental list of what I liked about him, which helped until that list grew shorter as the years went by, but I digress.
I may not live there anymore but there are some memories that will not be forgotten and that’s important. We learn from our mistakes and we need to recognize the signs going forward so we don’t repeat those mistakes. I will never be with a man that raises his voice in anger at me ever again. So far I have kept that promise made to myself all those years ago. Never let a man show disrespect either. That old house had a lot of disrespect going on, both ways I might add. This is unacceptable and how did it ever get that far, I wonder now?
I used to say that the main cause of marriage breakdowns was money and alcohol. Although that may be true, dragging out hurtful episodes from our past is also a sure deal-breaker. We all learn from our mistakes and being reminded of them will not endear us to anyone. Love and hate are such powerful emotions and I would sooner be consumed with love rather than be immobilized by hate. One is constructive the other destructive. Next time your past is brought up in a negative way.. remember this, you don’t live there anymore.
That train left the station over ten years ago. The destinations going forward have been an explosion of emotions including exhilarating and freeing, but never dull. My life may not be perfect but it is MY LIFE and happy lives here.
copyright August 26th, 2021