April 10th 2026… Does love have a number?
Does Love Have a Number
finding love
amidst the mundane
of everyday living
a miracle repeating itself
every new day
I awake each morning
pondering the joy
of this exquisite feeling
is this real
or just wishful thinking?
does being older
make these feelings
less worthy
does love have a number
that ages with time
or does it reverse time eternal
turning back the clock
on life itself
making me feel
like a lovestruck teenager
if this is true
then kill me now
for I shall live in eternal bliss
copyright February 14th, 2023
clMargerate
Here I sit outside on my patio, 24 C this morning, it’s starting to cool off though, thank goodness. It’s minus 1 °C back home, so there’s that, I guess. Even so, I’m very much looking forward to being back home in my own country. It’s not that I dislike it here; it’s the political climate that rules most living here, it’s very closed mouth. I’m living in Trumpy-land, so that’s probably why.
I have to keep my views to myself, and that’s self-isolating in itself. I’m a political person and take an interest in what’s happening in the world as well as what’s happening around me. I believe in fairness and goodwill and being honest, and that’s what gets me into trouble. I want my kids and grandkids to grow up in a safe and peaceful world… is that too much to hope for?
I’m not going to lie; it’s been challenging this time around. I have my place up for sale, but apparently, there are 22 units for sale here in this gated community. I also have accumulated so much ‘stuff’ in 12 years of spending my winters here. Omg I’m a collector for sure, and I’ve given away a pile of ‘stuff’ already, but still… There is more!
You would think that as we age, we would be smarter and more aware, and wth? I don’t think I’m any smarter, and when it comes to men, I’m still totally in the dark. We become much more accommodating in our world views as we age, but personally, I’m still a babe in the woods. I’m still single. I’ve had love come into my life twice since my divorce 16 years ago. But here I am, alone again and trying to make sense of it all.
I’ve had my flings and my share of ‘learning experiences’ with men, but sad to say, I’m no wiser. This is probably why I’m sitting down here to write this morning. I’ve recently had an ‘aha moment,’ and I’m wondering what took me so long. I think we all secretly yearn for that special person to share our passion with. I’m a giver, a hugger and a lover; it’s not rocket science; it’s just the way I’m made.
I’m honest and caring and don’t want to be hurt. We’re all in control of our own lives, but what is it with men I can’t seem to figure out? There’s only one thing I know for sure: when I love, it’s with my whole heart. Therein lies my problem. See what happens when I write stuff down?
I’m not afraid to show my feelings either, maybe that’s the problem. Having had a near-death experience years ago, opened up my life to everything. I’m getting older and still excited about what I’m doing/pursuing and stuff I haven’t even started yet! How’s this even possible and where’s it leading me? I have absolutely no clue, and I continue to hope and dream …
This has led me to look inward and take stock, maybe an attitude adjustment? I bring a lot to the table, forgiving and forgetting a lot of what doesn’t work out. I’ve been doing this a lot lately, maybe too much so.
I learn something new every day. Does it help me, hmmm, I really don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know, but that’s not the point. When we stop learning or give up on life, we may as well die. Strong words, but I’m not ready to sit around and wait for death. I need to feel useful, fulfilled, and loved.
Therein is my answer, and that’s why I write. I need to give up those feelings that don’t elevate me into being a better person and loving myself. Giving our power over to another is not recommended, but I think we unconsciously do it, a lot, in the name of love. We need to love ourselves enough to let that bullshit go. Yes… I was distracted and needy, it happens : (
I’ve been away from my family for too long, and their hugs and love are sorely missing in my life here. Having good friends helps, but that is missing as well. There are a few I trust, but it seems this time around I need much more. Isolation is not my thing, and I can’t wait to get back home. I have a second family I’ll be visiting in Utah, I’ll be spending a few days with, I’m very excited for that.
Winding this up I need to say that I feel very fortunate to have experienced the love that helped me become the person I am today. Sometimes though, we get distracted, but now I’m back and have that much more to write about : )
I wrote this beautiful poem above for my second lover (well, I thought it was beautiful : ) So, something good always comes from our life experiences and I’m grateful for that. The poem on the back of my published book, see below (Life and XXX After Sixty) was from my first lover after my divorce. He was pivotal in helping me transition back into life as I know it today. (he passed away a few years ago)
The Kiss
I remember
that early morning kiss
the warmth of your lips
the taste of sensuous desire
the heat of such tender yearning
and total naked trust
to feed your body with mine,
you may be gone
but
the memory of you
lingers on…
clMargerate (my pen name)
Copyright
April 10th 2026
footnote: I’m truly blessed and grateful for my life today. I need to remember to count my blessings.