uncomplicated and simple.. the meaning of life?

images7U2QZUH2One month, two weeks with out coffee, but who is counting? This new healthy regime may be good for something, but without caffeine is it worth it? How long can I hold out or even why..  flits across my coffee starved brain.

Quitting coffee is pretty radical for me. The only other time I quit coffee was when I quit smoking once, many years ago. Coffee and cigarettes were my companions against all adversities.. hell I couldn’t even think without a cigarette and coffee in the morning!

Drinking a gallon of water is a challenge . How do people drink so much water everyday without caffeine, or alcohol, to make it worthwhile? This holistic approach definitely has me making major lifestyle decisions. They are worthwhile changes and healthier but sometimes I just need a coffee fix.. period!

My appointment with the specialist is today and I have had a hard time this past two days sleeping. It has finally hit me that this is the first time in these past six years that I am not free to chart my own course!

The  future has always been mine to  decide. We can’t live in our future, but we can plan it, and now it has come to a stand-still. It also occurs to me that there is a possibility that I may not even have a future. Facing this reality of no future makes me sit down here to write out my thoughts.

images (81)At first I thought, well if it is not good, then the doctors can cut out the bad parts and I will be fine. My next thoughts were of chemo and radiation.. and that’s what led me to a naturopath. This led to quitting caffeine, salt and sugar as well as processed meats, drinking a gallon of water a day with sea salt and three different kinds of supplement pills.

Hospitals are full of sick people and sometimes the hospitals themselves are the cause of sickness and death. I think of my girlfriend Barb, she died this past summer. My gf had an aggressive brain cancer, she lived not even a year from diagnosis to grave.

My motto these past years, has been to live each day, and sometimes I needed to remind myself of that. Why is it I want more now? I really am grateful each day, for my life now. Am I scared of dying I wonder, I don’t think so.. well maybe .

Do I feel cheated somehow, like I haven’t experienced everything yet? I did find love again. I did get to experience the exquisite feelings of giving and sharing with a person that was totally accepting of me, and all my flaws, and loved me anyway. How many never get that I wonder? That I don’t have someone in my life right now is not that bad.

A new grandchild is in my future, I would like to be a part of his or her growing up years. It just seems like I am not finished yet, there is more I need to do. I don’t feel old.. although my body betrays me, its ok though, I am comfortable with it.images1HIXURAZ

UPDATE: Well I started this post almost six weeks ago..  I needed to change the beginning sentence. Truth is I haven’t been able to finish this and writing in my blog has come to almost a virtual standstill. My thoughts are so mixed up and my emotions as well, plus I have been really sick with a terrible cold.

Coming to terms with your own mortality, is complicated. I suppose people do it all the time, but not me. I think I need a cup of coffee, maybe that is all I need right now.. something really simple. Maybe this whole thing has me overthinking everything, this thought occurring to me, as I write this down.

It could be the really simple things in life that count. Uncomplicated and simple..  my friend Barb loved Tim Horton’s ‘Beef chipotle wrap’, and it made her day when I delivered it up to her in the hospital. The Canadian Tire flyer was another joy she looked forward to me bringing to her.

images (99)I spent a lot of time with my good freind and we shared so many good memories and made even more. We laughed and we talked and we cried and commiserated and just took pleasure in each others company.. such a simple thing. God I miss her…

I spent a great evening of cards at the clubhouse last night.. it was so much fun. Tonight we celebrate New Years and I plan on dressing up to the ‘nines’ I will be overdressed for sure but who cares? Everyone leaves before midnight anyway.. we might not even make it to 10:00pm .. but it will be fun and entertaining.

My diagnosis was for an MRI and also a biopsy, which required a six week wait. My doctors approved my trip south while I await these procedures. Life has a way of interfering with plans, OR MAYBE.. life is only ever about the simple things anyway? hmmmmm

this story is not over.. it may be just beginning, we’ll see .. meantime I just brewed myself a delicious cup of coffee! Happy New Year to me :  )