I came across one of those sayings “don’t chase after anyone, those that belong in your life will find you” another piece of sappy bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I still printed it out and read it once in awhile. It gives me comfort somehow, maybe there is someone.. maybe. (this is me.. not holding my breath)
It is mornings like this that I miss you the most. Maybe you thought it was the lovemaking, and true, I do miss that, a lot in fact. I am lazy in bed this morning and through the mist of a memory.. I had my fill of you (that was a good one huh?) and once in awhile my favorite sex toy. Then my thoughts turn to our daily emails.. Putting pen to paper and sharing my thoughts in exchange for yours is an ache that ebbs and flows.
Its not even a damn pen and paper, but this ancient Micro-Soft Surface, that I know is going to die on me at anytime. Will you die then as well, I wonder? I have kept all of our correspondence from day one on here, or maybe it is on a server somewhere. Being techie challenged is a pain, if I lose it all will it even matter, I don’t know….
I have promised myself (yet again) not to write to you.. I have broken that dumb promise so many times! Maybe it would be a blessing if this dam computer would die! Maybe then I can cut my losses and forget you forever? Na, who am I kidding, huh? I wish I could hate you, but how can I hate someone that made such exquisite love to me, and I .. me .. this girl right here.. felt like the only person in the whole universe, that mattered to you.
Can’t you see that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket and we haven’t discussed how to stop it? The Mueller report came out and we haven’t even picked that apart or the fact that the liberals are really doing it to themselves.. geez.! Our daily emails were always part of my ritual on keeping track of what was happening in the world and also making sense of it.
It comes in fits and starts, I take note of something that happens thinking ahhh, gotta write and see what you think. Then sadness, shit.. we are on radio silence and how the hell did that happen anyway? This makes me wonder about myself, am I the woman I think I am? Why am I even writing all this shit down and crying over fucking spilled milk, or spilt milk or whatever the freaking hell it is? (now where did that come from.. hmmm)
Maybe that’s my answer and writing this down clarifies something that I should have recognized long ago. I don’t need you anymore, or anyone for that matter.. to validate me. You nursed me back from my bruised and broken self so many years ago. You loved me, nurtured me, accepted and respected me as your equal. AND that was enough.
You taught me so much.. what I wonder, did I teach you? A love affair over so many years .. turning into friendship was maybe too much to expect? Being broken, then finding and fitting the pieces of myself back together, was a journey of love for sure. You were a part of that journey and sometimes the ‘glue’ holding those pieces in.. this will remain forever in my heart.
One day I will write about that journey, maybe other women will read it and see themselves. The sexy, smart and beautiful women we are.. sometimes gets lost in the layers of self doubt and disrespect we let seep into our lives. My only regret is allowing that poison free access…
The toxic weeds in my soul, once nourished by that hate and disrespect, choked off the love I needed to flourish. You.. my lover and my friend, helped me kill those weeds as surely as if you pulled them all out in clumps, by the roots!! ‘He restorith my soul’ has a different meaning for me. Such tenderness and love, admiration and respect. I thrive today.. validated by me, this girl.. right here, right now.. even in your absence.
And that is enough…