I came across one of those sayings “don’t chase after anyone, those that belong in your life will find you” another piece of sappy bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I still printed it out and read it once in a while. It gives me comfort sometimes, maybe there is someone, maybe. (this is me not holding my breath)
It is mornings like this that I miss you the most. Maybe you thought it was our lovemaking, and true, I do miss that, a lot in fact. I am lazy in bed this morning and through the mist of a memory.. I had my fill of you (I know you would like that one) and once in a while my favorite sex toy. Then my thoughts turn to our daily emails. Putting pen to paper and sharing my thoughts in exchange for yours is an ache that ebbs and flows.
It’s not even a damn pen and paper, but this ancient Micro-Soft Surface, that I know is going to die on me at any time. Will you die then as well, I wonder? I have kept all of our correspondence from day one on here, or maybe it is on a server somewhere. Being techie-challenged is a pain, if I lose it all will it even matter, I honestly don’t know.
I have promised myself (yet again) not to write you, I have broken that dumb promise so many times. Maybe it would be a blessing if this dam computer would die. Maybe then I can cut my losses and forget you forever? Na, who am I kidding, huh? I wish I could hate you, but how can I hate someone that made such exquisite love to me, and I, me, this girl right here, felt like the only person in the whole universe that mattered to you.
Do you also see that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket and we haven’t discussed how to stop it? The Mueller report came and went and we didn’t even pick it apart or the fact that the Liberals are really doing it to themselves.. geez. Trump being defeated was a major coup, but what a can of worms that opened for our neighbors to the south. Our daily emails were always part of my ritual of keeping track of what was happening in the world and also making some sense of it.
It comes in fits and starts, I take note of something that happens thinking hmm I need to write and see what you think. Then sadness, shit, we are on radio silence and how the hell did that happen anyway? This makes me wonder about myself, am I the woman I think I am? Why am I even writing all this shit down and crying over fucking spilled milk, or spilt milk, or whatever the freaking hell it is? (now where did that come from.. whew)
Maybe that’s my answer and writing this down clarifies something that I should have recognized long ago. I really don’t need you anymore, or anyone for that matter to validate me. You nursed me back from my bruised and broken self so many years ago. You loved me, nurtured me, accepted and respected me as your equal. AND that was enough.
You taught me so much, what I wonder, did I teach you? A love affair over so many years, turning into friendship was maybe too much to expect? Being broken, searching, finding, and fitting the pieces of myself back together, was a journey of love for sure. You were a part of that journey and sometimes the ‘glue’ holding those pieces in place, till they set, and this will remain forever in my heart.
One day I will write about that journey, maybe other women will read it and see themselves in me. The sexy, smart, and beautiful women we are, sometimes gets lost in the layers of self-doubt and disrespect we let seep into our lives. My only regret is allowing that poison, free access.
Those toxic weeds were nourished by those self-doubts and disrespect we let others show us. They choke off the love we all need to flourish. You, my lover and my friend, helped me kill those weeds as surely as if you pulled them out one by one, by the very roots! ‘He restoreth my soul’ has a different meaning for me. Such tenderness and love, admiration and respect, a gift given freely and generously by you, my lover.
I thrive today, validated by me, this woman, right here, right now, even in your absence.
And that is enough.