living the loss

I recently and unexpectantly lost someone that had brought a lot of joy and meaning into my life.  Life is so fleeting and a close brush with death myself made this abundantly clear to me over twelve years ago. This time though death snatched my special friend from me.  Seems I am okay with dying, but Lord I’m not okay with you taking someone I cared deeply for.

I’m not going to lie, this has been a hard pill to swallow.  Sure I’m at an age where this is going to happen a lot more but that doesn’t make it any easier.  My blog today will be about living and coping and how to ease this ache that comes out of nowhere.  Finding a way to live with the pain, that this person’s passing has heaped upon me, is my mission now.

Losing three siblings younger than myself, I am the oldest of seven, my dad, my mom, and several close relatives and friends, didn’t prepare me for the grief I’m feeling now.  I’m hoping to gain some insight because we all have to cope with unexpected losses but we also need to carry on with our lives.  The worst-case scenario would be for us to give up on ourselves and quit living.  They may be gone but we’re still here and living a life on hold until we die, would compound that loss tenfold I think.

What would the experts say?  Counseling is certainly an option but being a person that is always trying to figure stuff out, this has been my particular challenge.  It took me a while to accept his death, but I finally did.  Everyone is different and accepting death is a step forward I guess.  Just writing about it brings on another wave of loss and I let it wash over me.  Pushing it away will only make it pop up somewhere else, so when I’m by myself I let it flow and it eventually dissipates..

Living by myself I prefer joy and happiness to roommates.  This takes practice and a positive attitude. Not having a man around can bring this on, but I digress..  Taking up drinking or drugs is not an option, I need to ‘feel’ my life.  I’m also a cheap drunk and two drinks will shut me down.  Getting out of my own space is necessary, the pandemic has made me realize that.  We need interaction with others, I’m a social person and need it more than most I think. Others may think I’m a pain in the ass but they are too nice to tell me, and I thank you for that.

And soooo…. I started by changing my attitude towards the death of my beloved friend.  I bring him to life in my head, I can hear him telling me to live and be joyful.  He is like that, he was my biggest cheerleader.  Our lives eventually took us in different directions but we remained friends and connected every once in a while with our words.  He’s telling me to smarten up and I got this.  At night I visualize him hugging me as we drift off to sleep and it comforts me.  Sometimes we just have to do what we gotta do and so be it.

Some may think I’m crazy but I feel him encouraging me to get on with it when I do bring him out.  He was an amazing man and Lord knows how I am going to miss him being present in this life, but he does live on in a piece of my heart.  I have our memories and they feed my tortured soul.  I doubt I’ll experience a connection like that again.  To feel so deeply and intimately is something I will always treasure.  He helped me to see myself for who I am, how could you not love a man like that?

RIP my friend, you helped make me a better person…