killing me softly

I am not getting any traction here with my age. Age is supposed to be just a number and it really doesn’t matter how old you are .. that is .. until you actually get old! Forgetting stuff and peoples names and what is the name of that thing “you know, it turns bread brown?”  I fear is only a prelude to the dark side, and I don’t mean burning my toast .. which I happen to enjoy.

Poets and journalists and writers and novice bloggers (I want to be a real blogger when I grow up) like me, write about what it feels like to grow older. There are a gazillion cutesy sayings and wise proverbs that make it seem noble and serene, but is it really?

What if we are just fooling ourselves about aging gracefully? A random sneeze can produce an ill-timed fart! Something funny, that makes us laugh, can also make us pee our pants! Of course we are laughing at the random farting person.. ‘graceful’ .. I think not.

You would think that aging would make us mellow and love everybody.. but it doesn’t. Why do some wallow in hate and anger and attack indiscriminately. Humans are so fickle and unpredictable.. in the wild a predator would just attack and eat its prey. Kill me now already and get it over with…

Some (not all, but too many it seems.. especially of late) tend to weave conspicuous webs of lies and hate while making up elaborate justifications for their actions. Hateful words and actions do not age well.. they only tend to percolate and fester.. this sends confusing messages to the ill-informed and our young. Hell.. I don’t like everybody either but I try not to scratch that itch. My pension doesn’t afford me the luxury of hiring a hitman (to break legs only).. so I move on, now if I could only find my walker.

It is not just our aging minds that give us pause but our bodies start to betray us as well. An unexpected blip on the ultrasound is not a pregnancy thank goodness.. but cause for more tests and exams. That skin rash is not an ‘std’ thank goodness again, but cause for yet more medications. Geez some of us are taking more meds than the drug addicts on the streets!

Aging is inevitable .. and the alternative is irreversible. I like being outrageous and saying what I want. Old age, to me, has freed me in a way that in my younger years I could never have been this brave or bold. Lets face it, we don’t have that many years left.. certainly not a lifetime. That we have made it this far, with some of the shit we did, is pretty miraculous (drinking and driving comes to mind in vehicles and snow-mobiles .. lordy lordy!) 

I want to say that I’m not afraid of getting old ..  actually I am old already (but not in my minds eye). Then again I am not dead yet either.. hell, I am still looking for a soul mate.. I hope he is not dead! I only want to feel the love in this ‘my-third life’. I struggle sometimes to be that person I want to be, but I am always generous with my love.

Don’t look to me to perpetuate hate or hard feelings .. it is killing me softly, to see this and experience it.

Aging gracefully is hard, I struggle with my physical and mental capabilities (I really hate that weed whacker thingy and hope I never have to use it again). The one thing that gives me strength in my journey here.. is love.. for my family and for my friends..

My wish.. is that we take no hostages with our hate when we die. Spread the love and forgive, let us be an example. Leaving a legacy of hatefulness to the next generation, perpetuates a needless cycle of distrust and bitterness for our precious children! I for one, will not be responsible for  ‘killing them softly’.

copyright August 3rd 2017