It’s Sunday.. blog-time #mythirdlife
I am an emotional kind of gal and I’m ok with this. My tears are both happy and sad this morning. I think when we live our lives truthfully and fully, it comes with the territory. Being here at the lake, my favorite place, I am overcome with gratitude this morning. I am so grateful, my heart is full, my eyes are spilling over with this feeling. That my kids get to experience this magic I have felt all these years here, is my legacy to them.
Sitting here on the deck writing this blog, the lake is calm, no one is up yet and the weather is perfect, also no mosquitos or insects bugging me. Where are all the mosquitos this year? Did the bees eat them all because the abundance of bees everywhere is a new phenomenon? Writing my book has taken on a new intensity, visiting with friends and relatives on the lake yesterday increased the sales of said book threefold, alcohol may have been a factor. Where I had only one sale I now have three, it’s time to buckle down. I do miss blogging though, because it’s something I work on most days, and seems there is always something to write about.
Working on my book (a memoir) is all about the past, and memories are fraught with drama long forgotten. A brother lost to suicide was on my agenda this morning and that also brought forth the tears. To feel is both joyful and painful, but this is how I live my life now. I know what it’s like to close off feelings, what I used to call living life on hold.. it is such a waste of our precious time here that I feel bad for all that do this. I also know it is necessary sometimes to get over the bad spots or just trying to survive. Unfortunately, I have had to do both but that was in the past and my life today has no comparisons to how I lived ten short years ago.
Our days are numbered here on earth and nothing brings it closer to home than turning sixty, at least that was the case for me. We need to choose to live for ourselves, that does not mean being selfish. Hell, we have lived for everyone else, and making others happy seems to be our lot in life for those of us born female. I still try to figure out how I can make my kid’s life easier somehow. Then I remember that I am worthy too and deserve what comes my way, hence the gratitude thing this morning. My son graciously lets me live in his previous cabin here so I can continue to enjoy my happy place.
Why do I find it hard to feel I am worthy of this generosity, I’m being serious here and maybe some reading this can relate. There is a lot of upkeep to a cabin and my kids are still working. I am not in the best shape for manual labour anymore and I feel bad not pulling my share. If I had a man I could shuffle it off on him “honey could you please clean the gutters and mow the lawn and maybe stack that woodpile into the shed?” Alas, the last man I dated decided to break off with me in a text message. Ah well, he was too old for me anyway, (his words and now mine : )
Somehow this feeling is that I should be contributing more, I guess. When he left the lake today I hugged him for a long time and told him how much I love and appreciate him. It’s true, and I think he appreciates me too, not enough to let me live with him when I get old and senile, though. He said I will have to move in with his sister, yep, he threw her under the bus. My daughter is also very good to me in my old age but has also made it clear to me as well, that I will be going into a home and not hers.. when the time comes. I hugged her for extra long too, when she left.
My tears were real today and so is my resolve to not live with either of my kids when I grow too old to actually live my own life. For any of you reading this blog, lordy, lordy, make your life count now and allow your happiness the freedom it deserves. We have certainly put in our time and we matter to a lot of people, even if they are too busy to show it. I wanted to finish this blog this morning but seems a boat ride and a swim interrupted my writing. It is a scorcher again today and my lake family knew I needed to get into the water to cool off. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything nor would I change anything in my life..
My life is a priority now because I don’t have all the time in the world, so I make the world have time for me, by not wasting it. I will finish that book eventually.. but first I need to have a nap.
copyright August 15th, 2021