I must be dead!

images (132)

This started out with me writing my will.. but look what poured out onto the page.. this happens once in awhile.

Well if you are reading this then.. I must be dead. I hope I didn’t ‘linger’ too long, and cause a fuss. My own nana was bowling one week and gone the next. It was a scenario that would have her approval (had she have known). She always told me she didn’t want to ‘linger on’, needing complete care like her mom.

Her mom, my grandma Cambridge, lived upstairs and when she got sick she would ring a little bell and for nana to come. I can still hear that bell and her shrill cry .. Abbeeeeee…. Abbeeeee….. and nana would run up the stairs to see what she needed now.

Grandma Cambridge used to make us kids tea and set it out in beautiful tea cups and saucers. She would let us use lots of cream an sugar and even encourage us to pour some in our saucer and drink from it.. how cool was that? I never forgot and I did that with my child and  grandchild. I wonder if they will remember?

When she took sick she was eventually moved to the downstairs sunroom, nana was getting worn out running up and down those stairs all day. They converted it to a bedroom for her. She still had the ‘hateful’ bell but I remember her voice getting very frail.

Grandma Cambridge lived in a big room on the second floor off to one side. One of Nanas four children (gown-up and married ) lived on the other side with two rooms and a sunroom along the top back.

There was a bedroom in between that grandpas mom once used .. I hardly remember her but never forgot that she died in that bedroom. I reveled in reminding my ‘little sister’ of that when she moved into that room many years later.

Another of nanas children (grown up and married) lived in the basement, all had kids, I know this becuase I was one of them. I once lived on the top floor and also in the basement (which I hated). My Nana always had family in her life, regardless if she wanted us or not.. it was inevitable, and a fact of life back then.

She was woven completely and as tightly into our lives as surely as a wool sweater that has shrunk in a overheated dryer. (did they even have dryers back then?..na). Nana was in her prime only 62 years young! I was nineteen (the oldest grandchild of 24) and living a rebellious life in another province, homesick as hell when I got the call.

She suffered from an undiagnosed brain tumor. She entered the hospital, had an operation, went into a coma and died within a week. I barely made it to her bedside. “I hope it is fast”  I recalled her once saying. She got her wish.. I loved her so much and missed her terribly into the years that followed. I never got to tell her how much I appreciated her.

My own mom is gone and I had a few regrets there as well. In my moms last years I was really annoyed with her, she was wise enough to know this and would often stress her love for me, which only annoyed me more.

Sometimes it takes awhile for us to ‘see the light’.. I’m a slow learner. She knew I would come to regret my inconsideration and she wanted me to know she loved me anyway.

I want my children to know this as well.. I love you unconditionally. A mothers love is just that.. unconditional. I know you will regret not having me in your life more.. but you won’t know this until I am gone and it is too late. That’s ok, I understand and know this.

It’s like this.. some of this is Karma for me. Should you have any resentment or past grievance’s or if I have hurt you in any way or let you down, I’m really sorry. We moms are works in progress as well.. same as you. We tell you we are perfect and know it all (which we do by the way) but we are not perfect.  Now.. as we age, you are the perfect ones and know it all, and telling us how we should live. My how the roles have reversed and it is inevitable.

OK .. this is the most important part… when I am gone (and I hope it is fast). Know this..  my children and my children’s children.. I love you unconditionally and I don’t want you to hurt, or be unhappy in your heart, once I am gone. A moms love for her children ..like  the circle of life.. is never-ending. My mom understood this and I came to know this and you will too in time.

I love you more than the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky…!Image result for pictures sun and moon and stars funny