Christmas is once again around the corner and this year I was very excited for it to come. Well I still am.. somewhat, but the Grinch is slowly trying to steal it away from me. I have a friend that is not doing well and she was recently moved to a long term care facility.
Dealing with our own mortality is sobering, how did you feel going into long term care, I wonder now.. but it is too late to ask you. This is not going to be easy to write because I have all these buried emotions swirling about.
Lord knows we are such imperfect beings, so why do we expect more from you, our parents? How is it that I didn’t learn from your mistakes.. and went on to make my own? You did teach me to be an honest person and I am grateful for that, caring too, although I dropped the ball on that one in your later years.
I am not totally ungrateful mom.. I have flushed ‘my’ perceived shortcomings of yours. Turns out I have enough of my own to deal with. I also didn’t know it was going to be so lonely by myself, and there you were raising seven of us.. by yourself! You probably wished for some lonely time.. and who could blame you?
What took me so long to come to grips with these feelings I have about you? Your wit and your talents .. my god I wish I had your talents! Well maybe I do have one, I love to write and poetry brings me a sense of release.. when I get it right. You must have passed that onto me.. you were a published poet and wrote songs and even a childrens book.. wow.
Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t have to look after you. Good for you, because .. well.. we didn’t always see eye to eye. You always had an opposite point of view from mine. Maybe.. just maybe, we were too much alike … ahhhh .. I need to think about that one.
If I could redo the past I would thank you for bringing me into this world and I would have been much nicer to you in the end. I wish I could visit with you now.. I actually need your words right now. Seeing my friend where she is.. is causing me a lot of heart-ache.
My friend is fine with this .. it is me.. it is you, that is why this is so hard. Why didn’t I understand sooner about this circle of life and karma and long term care and death?
I am not afraid to die that’s not it.. I just don’t want to slowly die a lonely death in a long term facility. Maybe my friend is going to teach me something here, maybe I will die tomorrow in a car crash. Karma scares me and I guess it should. I now have another understanding of how you must have felt.
Well mom, I know you forgave me my stupid behavior in the end. I just wish you were here right now so I could sort out my feelings on what my friend is going through, maybe you could give me some insight on all this. I guess I am going to learn something here, but right now it sure doesn’t feel like it.
one more thing .. I know how much you loved Christmas .. you were our ‘Christmas’ , even when we had hardly anything. Please help me keep the Grinch from stealing this Christmas from me.. I love you mom.