Comments in my last blog on pancakes brought out my secret agenda to kill my ex with cholesterol! Is that even possible you wonder? Well here’s the thing, he did eventually have a heart attack (forty years after I left) and my first thoughts were of all those eggs I cooked for him all those years (lordy, lordy.. the unlucky forty!)
I’ll need to back up here a bit and put it into perspective. I DID all of the cooking.. he opened cans, I did all of the cleaning (and being a housekeeper was not in my DNA and I’m sure he will verify that). I also looked after paying bills and making appointments and bookkeeping shit that I hate.
Oh.. and a little thing called holding down a job, actually owning and working three hair salons. The thing is, did he ever once cook for me.. or make my lunch or throw the clothes into the wash? Nope.. he never once thanked me for cooking for him either, until the kids got old enough and started doing that. God how I love our kids.. why couldn’t he have turned out better?
If you are a man reading this.. I can’t stress enough “happy wife, happy life”.. period. They came out with that saying too late to save us, but it is not too late for you! There are always two sides to a story, but seeing as how he is not here anymore.. oh he survived the heart attack, and has a girlfriend.. may they live happily ever after in joyful communion with each other.. (sic)
So this is my side of the story you are reading and for all intents and purposes I do strive to make myself look really good. If you read my blog you know my faults already, striving for candor and honesty always trumps making shit up. I don’t have to make stuff up, I manage to get into it all by myself, thank you.
So back to the cholesterol story. As a working woman with kids, making supper is a big fat chore. Look around you, do you think all these fast food places feed themselves? Eggs happen to be a nutritious protein and they are fairly easy to prepare. My ex was NEVER content with just two eggs though, and I am not making this up.. he would eat six of em.
A girlfriend dropped over once and witnessed him eating all those eggs and made this iconic comment “are you trying to kill him?” This then became a running joke until the ex got a little defense-ful and started asking the same thing, “are you trying to kill me?” Maybe I was or maybe I wasn’t but I really didn’t give a shit how many eggs I cooked.. but I decided to let him make the decision “how many eggs do you want?”
And so began one of our secret damned if you do, damned if you don’t kinda undercurrent love/hate things we practiced on a weekly basis. Him: “Eggs again huh?” Me:.. “yep.. unless you want to make supper.. how many eggs do you want?” Him: “oh a couple or more” Me “so you want three eggs?” Him: “I guess, or maybe a few more” Me: “so you want SIX EGGS?” Him: “WELL NOT THAT MANY!!!!!” (he had never complained when I made six before) and.. well you get the drift…
Of Course it was not the eggs that was killing us.. it was his explosive mouth and shitty attitude that made me wish for my own expiration or at the very least lord, let the cholesterol kick in and take him.. (I only ever ate two eggs). In hindsight I wish I could take back some of our egg arguments for the kids sake.. but sometimes our journeys need to play out.
When his heart attack happened, I thought of the eggs I had so lovingly/hatefully prepared for him all those years. I also wondered if that thought crossed his mind as well. Did he secretly blame me for his heart attack. I’m just as sure he did (it was another habit of his.. blaming everyone else for his bad luck).
Long story short.. his brother that was less than a year younger than him, had the same heart attack (three months after the ex) and the same stents put in his heart. “Thank you lord”.. well I didn’t mean that literally of course, but it did exonerate me. None of us wish our ex’s dead, well maybe some do but I don’t! He is the father of our kids and a good father.. just a lousy husband.
So the moral of this story is this.. hmmm.. trying to kill someone with eggs is not really feasible, it is just going to take too long. Hire a hit-man or better yet, just get a divorce.. you can only make so many eggs …