Dear mom.. the longer I live, the more I recognize myself in you. Being quick to judge and voicing my opinions, is just so easy. (I’m not saying it is a bad thing) Judging you is one of my regrets, I have a few.. how could you stand me I wonder now?
I am pretty dam arrogant sometimes and think I know it all! Wow.. who knew being a mom was going to be this hard? You were younger than me, with six kids in tow before I even had my first one at your same age. You were married to a man that dragged you all over the country because he couldn’t hold a job long enough to support us.
When you left him that must have taken a lot of guts, and he forgot he had kids.. but you didn’t. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ how do men do that I wonder? You did all this ‘back in the day’ when it was frowned upon. You had spirit and you had guts and most likely a secret determination to make a better life for yourself and us.
Being a nana and grandmother is so much easier, don’t you think? We are not in the direct line of fire from their parents and grandkids are much more forgiving of our shortcomings. It’s sure not what I was expecting.. this age thing. Seems the older I get, the needier I am of my own children’s love. Their disapproval is hard to take and why is that.. never mind, its probably my mouth again.
Age has certainly loosened my tongue and I feel such a freedom.. maybe it was the divorce , hmmm. Either way, I like being able to talk or write whatever I want. I think I inherited my writing skills from you, you had so many buried talents, your writing and poetry being just a few.
I fancy myself more active than you were, but maybe not. I get my exercise.. in bed sometimes if I’m lucky (my mouth again) well I am not dead yet, but mostly in the pool. Funny thing.. I don’t ever remember you having a sex life (except that once, when you confided in me about my dads sex drive.. ewww.. and maybe I inherited that from him?)
Why is it I wonder, as kids we just assumed ewww, of our parents sex life.. when you ended up being single again did you ever have a lover? As I age I feel this need to feel loved, even being single. Exercise is important, but so is love and hugs and social activities .. it keeps me excited for life’s challenges. I wish I would have hugged you more.
I know you read a lot of romance novels so you may have been reliving or maybe searching for something.. maybe long gone? I hope you got to experience that special connection in your life with someone you loved. I think you did, maybe not with my dad, (it was a war zone I know.. firsthand) but with the second man you let into your life and into your heart. I sure hope so..
I wish I would have appreciated you more mom.. but I do appreciate you now, my love of water (you taught me to swim before I could walk even) and writing comes from you.. thank you. My granddaughter (Meegan) called you great-nana at the lake with frogs (your frog collection). She has her own life now. My daughter hears you at the lake every once in awhile as do I, and those are precious moments we savour.
You will never die on my watch, you are alive in my mind and we converse often, well.. I talk and you listen (some stuff never changes.. huh?) You did listen.. when it was important to me. I wasn’t as respectful of you mom.. and I’m sorry for that.
Mothers day is close again and here I am, thinking of you a lot. I think of your mom (my own nana, whom I also loved dearly) and even Baba and grandma Cambridge. They were all moms just like you and me and my daughter, and we are all proof that a mothers love never dies. Nobody loves our children like we do.. period. I know you loved mine as much as me..
I have a brand new granddaughter and she will know you through me. You taught us and you did the best you knew how. I have you to thank for my infinite love of my daughter and my son and now my grandchildren.
“I see it this way.. if I didn’t feel your love for me.. how would I know how to love my own, it is the circle of life”
I love you and I miss you and I honor you…