Bliss this .. the reason of my discontent?

Sometimes I think “just beam me up Scotty” .. my job here is done!

A  life filled with bliss and contentment could be the biggest lie we have all been tricked into believing we can achieve. I wonder if Buddhists believe this, they teach meditation and serenity, but is it so? Eating meat on Friday and committing every mortal sin in the book, except killing .. had me burning in hell in my Catholic years.

Maybe those Catholics were onto something, this hell could actually be here on earth. Lord knows I gave it my best shot, but those mortal and menial sins just kept piling up.. (lustful thoughts and deeds during my teens). Actually those lustful interludes (the ones in my head) now keep me entertained as I age.. ok so some real ones too.

Is it lust or is it love.. I am no closer to figuring out men than I was in my twenties. Is it maybe the same for men too? How much effort do we need to put into a relationship to make it work? And.. and.. why is it so much work?  If we got paid by the hour for our efforts, in sustaining said relationships .. well I would be freaking rich now!

If I had to pay for services rendered in return .. well I’d be freaking broke now. I never seemed to have any trouble with that part of it anyway, maybe I picked the wrong profession.. wink, wink. Is it really a mans world or do we willingly and much too easily surrender our power over to them? I have such a trusting nature .. why, why, why do we trust sooooo blindly?

Are we also pre-programmed for disappointment, so when it eventually comes we are not really surprised, but deeply hurt, nevertheless. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good men out there.. and when I find one, I’m sure I will sing a different tune (Ps, never let me sing.. esp. if I have a couple drinks).

My prince charming did find me and shared with me some missing pieces in the ‘love puzzle’ part of my life. Alas it was just a fairy-tale and it was not the happily ever-after kind.. shit happens, life goes on. So I still don’t know.. was that love or lust? The thing is, I am no further ahead now than when I was in my twenties when it comes to solving these love puzzles.

There is a reason why the black widow spider eats her mate after the fact.. she may be onto something.. AND she is probably fat and happy, and dare I say ‘contented?’

I do know what I don’t want, but do I know what I really want? Spoken like a true woman, right ? Makes total sense to me. I’m still looking for my soul mate, but is there such a thing? Mating is not the problem, well I tend to like younger guys, for that reason. It’s the soul part that is lacking.

Love.. what is it anyway, I had it early on in my ex-marriage .. or was it lust? The prince came unexpectedly into my life after age 60 and (was it love or lust?) pure bliss followed, until he turned into a frog.. wtf? I was sure he was my soulmate from another life, an incarnation (Buddhist beliefs). Or maybe I was his soul mate.. frogs are fickle like that.

I’m savvy in most parts of my life, except for men and maybe money.. if you’re thinking what else is there?.. then obviously you are a man, that likes men.. lol. Maybe that’s what’s wrong, maybe I should switch teams? Well that is unlikely, its bad enough watching the hairs on my own legs grow, (see shaving blog) never mind watching anothers leg hairs grow longer.. kill me now!

Sometimes a poem gets me back on track…

stuffed into my purse,
overflowing with
trivial items,
a repertoire of stuff
I might need,
sorta like my life!
the memory of you
is crushed and distorted,
beyond recognition
did you really love me
I wonder ?
do you stuff
random memories
of me
into your back pocket
to eventually be
washed away
into that
black hole 
of missing socks?

Copyright August 1 2018