Ten years … since I ‘Died’

Ten years.. since I ‘died’  (well 13 actually, regurgitated blog)

A memory came across my Facebook newsfeed yesterday, an accident that totaled my brand-new 2010 Dodge minivan, but spared my life. I can still recall it like yesterday. WOW, how my life has changed since then.

An older man driving a half-ton truck bolted out in front of me from an intersection on a busy highway. It was impossible to avoid hitting him and it changed my life forever. In those few seconds which seemed to take forever, I knew I was going to die. It was that simple and totally out of my control. I didn’t panic and in fact a sense of calm and the inevitable took over my brain, so this is it… this is how my life ends…

The actual impact is blocked from my mind but it seemed like time stood still. Gazing out my windshield through smoke-like particles hanging in the air, I seen parts of my vehicle littering the road. The radio is faintly playing in the background against an eerie silence. My first thought as I sat there wedged tightly into my seat was, “Oh my god, I am alive” I was in awe of this fact and didn’t seem to be hurt at all. The seatbelt and airbags in this new van had saved my life. This was all so surreal to me.

I shouldn’t have been so surprised, we all know only the good die young and I’m making light of this only because I can. This happened in 2010 and it coincided with many new directions my life took me that year. My van was totaled but I was spared.

My blog here is to reminisce about how my life changed that day, but little did I know it then. This accident took me into a tailspin I never could have foreseen. I’m going to try and explain it here, maybe others have had this experience or going through something similar. At first, I was so grateful to be alive. Then came a deeper, gut-wrenching, soul-searching fact, that I couldn’t fully shake. WHY was I spared? My whole being felt that my time was up but there I was, not only alive BUT unhurt. I have written about this before but so many years have passed now and I want to look at it again.

Going through a divorce that year after forty years of marriage, I had committed myself to my work. I KNEW what direction I wanted to take or so I thought. How many of us get a second chance at life, not many I’m guessing. It took me almost a year and counseling to come to grips with this new beginning. I did a thorough and complete soul-searching in the aftermath of my accident. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t ungrateful to be alive, it’s probably a question that many of us experience in our lives. “What is my purpose here?” Well… WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?

It turns out I needed help and with counseling, I eventually did find my way back. Emerging from a fog of an inability to make the most simple decisions, I found my way to become an active participant in life again. I did need some physical therapy, for a seatbelt injury to my left shoulder, but it was my mental state that took much longer to heal. This took the better part of a year to play out.

The one takeaway from all this is my acute awareness that my time here is not guaranteed. Maybe that’s why I am so open and unafraid to speak out about anything. Sharing my feelings with my loved ones is also a part of my everyday life. I try my best to live each day now, and not in a future I may never see.

Listening to my heart is also a priority. The conflicts in my head and my heart never cease, but I always allow my heart to overrule my head. This is something that causes me grief at times but also brings me the greatest joy. Why do most lead such guarded lives? Why be afraid to show your emotions, your fears, and most of all your love? I know I can die tomorrow or even today so I don’t put off much .. well housework is the exception here.

What are you putting off and why? Mundane shit doesn’t count, living in the present does. If you died tomorrow, what have you left unsaid? My family and my friends know that if I die tomorrow, I have no regrets, nor should they mourn me (well maybe a little). All these years later I am content with how I’m living my life, it is an amazing journey.. still- the changes I’ve made flow daily onto these pages and to those I love.

I am always grateful.

copyright Sept. 4th, 2020