Ten years.. since I ‘died’

A memory came across my Facebook newsfeed yesterday, an accident that totaled my brand new Dodge mini van, but spared my life. I can still recall that like it was yesterday, but it was TEN years ago! WOW how my life has changed in that time.  An older man driving a half ton truck bolting out in front of me on a busy highway, it was impossible to not hit him and it changed my life forever. In those few seconds which seemed much longer, I knew I was going to die. It was that simple and I thought to myself “so this is how it all ends” something totally out of my control, I didn’t even panic. It was a sense of wonder I guess, this is it, the end.. I am surely not going to live through this, and if I do I will be severely crippled or worse, for life.

A calm came over me, the actual impact is blocked out, time stood still. Then.. looking through my windshield, airbag particles hanging in the air almost like smoke, to the highway in front, parts of my vehicle littering the road. My radio playing in the background against an eerie silence. My first thought as I sat there wedged into my seat (the seatbelt and airbags in this new van, I feel saved my life) was, “oh my god, I am alive” I was in awe of this fact and didn’t seem to be hurt at all. This was so surreal to me. I should have not been so surprised, we all know only the good die young. I am making light of this only because I can, it was ten years ago.

My blog today is to reminisce about how my life changed that day, but I didn’t know it at the time. This experience actually put me into a tailspin that I never would have foreseen. I want to try and explain it here, maybe others have had this experience or are going through it right now. At first I was so grateful to be alive. Then came a deeper, gut wrenching, soul searching fact, that I couldn’t seem to shake. WHY was I spared? I felt with my whole being that my time was up but there I was, not only alive BUT unhurt (physically) I have written about this before but now ten years have passed, and I want to look at it again.

I was going through a divorce and I had committed myself to my work. I KNEW where I was going with my life, or so I thought. How many of us get a second chance at life, not many I think. It took me almost a year and counselling to come to grips with the depression and the soul searching caused by that accident. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful to be alive, it was an age old question that most of us experience at one point in our life or another. What is my purpose here? WHAT is my purpose.. well counselling helped a lot and I eventually found my way back into reality. This took overcoming a state of being unable to make a decision, to moving on and becoming an active participant in my life once more. I needed some physical therapy as well but my mental state took much longer to heal.

The one takeaway that holds true even today, is my awareness that my time here is not guaranteed. Maybe that is why I am so open and not afraid to speak out about anything? Letting my loved ones know my feelings for them, is part of my life now. I try my best to live it each day and not in a future that I may never see. Living with my heart is also my priority. The conflicts between my head and my heart never cease, but I always allow my heart to over-rule my head. This is something that has caused me the most grief but also the most joy. Why is it we all lead such guarded lives? Afraid to show our emotions and our fears and most of all our love? I know I can die tomorrow so I don’t put off much .. well housework is definitely the exception here.

What are you putting off and why? Housework doesn’t count, make living in the present a priority. If you died tomorrow have you put off telling your loved ones how much you love them? My family and my friends know how much I love them. They also know that if I die tomorrow, I have no regrets nor should they mourn me (well maybe a little bit, wouldn’t hurt). Ten years later and I am content with how I’m living my life, it has been an amazing journey. That accident is still fresh in my memory, the changes I’ve made flows out daily onto these pages and to those I love.

I am grateful…