Great-nana at the lake with frogs, Happy Mothers Day mom

Dear mom..

The longer I live, the more I recognize myself in you. Being quick to judge and voicing my opinions, was more on me, than you. We learn better as we age, thank goodness.  My judging you will always be one of my biggest regrets, and I have a few.. how could you even stand me I now wonder?

I was pretty darn arrogant sometimes and thought I knew it all!  Wow.. little did I know how little I knew. When you were twelve years younger than I was, you had six kids in tow before I even had my first one. You married a man who dragged us back and forth between B.C. and Saskatchewan (over a thousand miles) because he couldn’t hold down a job.

Leaving him must have been hard for you, that took a lot of guts.  He seemed to forget he even had kids after that.. but you didn’t.  ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ how do men do that I wonder? All this was ‘back in the day’ when it was frowned upon. I never asked you how you felt or what drove you or.. or.. so many questions now, but it is too late to ask you. I figure it’s most likely you had a secret determination to make a better life for yourself and us. Or it could have been a choice between starving or survival for us all, I know it wasn’t easy,  because I lived it with you.

Being a nana, a baba or a grandmother is much easier for us now. We are not in the direct line of fire from the parents we raised and let’s face it, grandkids are much more forgiving of our shortcomings. It’s sure not what I was expecting, this age thing. It seems the older I get, the needier I am of my own children’s love.  Their disapproval is hard to take and why is that? Never mind, it’s probably my mouth again.

Age has loosened my tongue and I feel such freedom.. maybe it was the divorce, hmmm. Either way, I like talking or writing about whatever I want. I think I inherited my writing skills from you Mom, you possessed so many talents, writing and poetry being just the icing on the cake.

I fancy myself more active than you ever were, but maybe not, lord knows I didn’t raise seven kids. Your last one made an appearance when I was already 18 years old.  I exercise somewhat, and if I’m lucky with a lover, there goes my mouth again. The pool sees me most mornings. The funny thing is, I don’t ever remember you and Dad having a sex life. You confided in me once about my dad’s sex drive.. and I now know why I have so many siblings. I think maybe I inherited that part of me from him.

Why is it I wonder, as kids, we just assumed our parents didn’t have sex.  When you ended up being single again did you ever have a lover? As I age I feel this need to feel loved, and now I’m single. Love, hugs, and social activities excite me for life’s challenges. Mom, I wish I would have hugged you more.

I know you read a lot of romance novels, maybe you were also searching for something.. maybe long gone? I hope you got to experience that special connection in your life with someone you love. I think you did, although not with my dad. Probably with the father of my youngest sister, you let him into your life and your heart as well. I sure hope that was the case.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t appreciate you more Mom. I did come face to face with my selfish pride and ignorance. I was stupid, and I admit it but, you knew this and kept it to yourself.  You accepted me with the wisdom of your complete faith in me and your love for me.  This manifested itself and comforted me a couple of years after you passed, and I am so grateful, thank you for understanding.

My love of water comes from you, teaching me to swim before I could even walk. My joy of writing comes directly from you and brings me such pleasure and peace.  My granddaughter called you great-nana, at the lake with frogs (your frog collection).  She has grown so much and has her own life now. My daughter sometimes hears you at the lake, as do I, and those are precious moments we savour.

Although you are gone, you will never die on my watch, you are alive in my head and we converse often, well I talk and you listen (some stuff never changes.. eh?) You did listen when it was important to me.  I wasn’t as respectful of you .. and I’m sorry.

Mother’s Day is close again and I’m thinking of you a lot. I think of your mom, my nana, whom I loved dearly, and Baba and Grandma Cambridge. They were all moms just like you and I and my daughter, and we are all proof that a mother’s love never dies. Nobody loves our children as we do… period. I know you loved mine as much as I did.

I have a brand new granddaughter and she will know you through me. You taught us and did the best you knew how. I thank you for this infinite love of my daughter, son, and grandchildren.

“I see it this way, if I didn’t feel your love for me how would I know how to love my own, isn’t this why it’s called the circle of life”

I love you, I miss you and I honor you…

copyright May 2018