I am the captain of my ship.. but maybe its time to trade it in for a little sailboat?

How did my life end up being someone else’s? It surely didn’t start out that way. Insidiously and gradually, it was put on hold. I was waiting, always waiting for him to make the next move, like in chess. Waiting and anticipating and then … reacting!

When you are not the captain of your own ship and have no say in its course, you are just along for the ride. As in all voyages, you have a destination, but sometimes, we are destined to part ways.

The trip unfolds in stages, picking up precious cargo along the way. Smooth sailing depends on how well you get along with the captain. If you have a great captain and he is interested in your well-being, the ship will weather whatever it sails into..

Our ship endured mostly stormy seas, occasional hurricanes, and lots of thunder, our course was never smooth. Either I was a lousy first mate or he was a demanding captain, never content with my attitude or my servitude.  Any way you look at it, that ship was doomed. The years of simmering mutiny that played out in my head finally led me to abandon ship! Our precious cargo was set ashore a few years earlier.

I spared the captain a murderous fate but blasted a hole in that dam ship before leaving. It just needed too much work.. my heart couldn’t weather not one more squall. There was nothing left to salvage anyway. Future captains should take heed, a happy mate is a happy fate.. just saying.

I am captain of my ship now and my voyage is a solo one. Learning to navigate alone after forty years is exciting, but also a little scary. Who wants to sail with an ‘aging’ uncertain first mate turned captain? I believe fate has a way of stepping in and sending you the right people at the exact right times when you need them.

The person fate sent my way patiently guided me and never once raised his voice while navigating me back into me. Restoring my faith in not only myself but my ability to trust and love again, always without anger. Alas, for me our courses eventually parted ways, but maybe our ships will cross paths once more, I hope so.

My luck with other first mates had been sketchy at best, none were fit for a voyage. A few were good for trial runs.. well ok, maybe just one. Others were only there for the ride, which is okay if you only want to go sightseeing or on day trips. Some like storms, others have too much baggage or are just plain unseaworthy!

My ship doesn’t have passengers anymore and although I’m alone it’s fine because I navigate in stormy seas. The upside is I have no baggage to deal with either, only my most precious cargo, my family.

The ports of call on my new journeys have been amazing. I had an amicable co-pilot on some, she was my travel buddy and a good friend. But learning to navigate on my own has been exhilarating. Sometimes I think I’ve been subconsciously seeking a first mate. Do the ships navigate better with passengers, crew, and first mates I wonder?

Maybe my ship is too big for me now, and although I like being the captain, it really needs a first mate too.  Is it time to change course and disembark this particular journey? A nice little sailboat is what I need, one that I can maneuver by myself. From now on only co-pilots that are interested in the same destinations as me will be allowed on my sailboat.

I can feel the wind in my sails already, what adventures lie ahead I wonder? Will I race across the waters or will I languish in the calm and enjoy the serenity? One thing is for sure, I’m here in the present and can set my sails whenever I want. I’m looking forward to my next journey.

Should I happen to pick up someone along the way, they will be very lucky indeed because now I’m a great experienced sailor.. or so I have been told.

And Bon Voyage to me!

copyright Oct. 22nd 2016