will being a vegetarian improve my sex life?

My metamorphosis going from a meat-eater to a vegetarian is confusing as hell. Did you know there is pork in marshmallows, me neither? It kinda makes you wonder who’s brainwave that was? I could understand putting bacon into a marshmallow.. omg I can taste it now, roasting over an open fire, bacon-infused marshmallows, kill me now : )

Alas, bacon is in my past and that is a shame. Life is just better with bacon in it, period. I had already banished deli meats from my life except for wieners, but they are not really meat anyway, right? A cold wiener from the fridge, wrangling it out of that dam casing and deciding after inhaling it, to eat its attached twin. Well hell, it was a shame to leave it by itself joined to a withered piece of plastic, you didn’t detach yours either did you? we are soul sisters!

That was the one thing off-limits when my granddaughter roomed with me,  she had her stash of wieners and I had mine. It was the one rule we never broke, don’t touch my wieners.  Dumb I know but hey, some things are sacred and I am going to miss wieners a lot.

My favorite deluxe wonton soup from Tongs Wok has a lump of mystery meat in them. I don’t have a clue what is and I never cared, until now. How the heck am I going to get a meatless wonton? Wait a minute, isn’t the broth made out of chicken? This is what is so freaking hard about this vegetarian lifestyle.

Where to draw the line between vegetarians and meat-eaters? Is butter ok, I mean it comes from a cow’s milk, and is the milk ok to drink? My kids are pointing out all sorts of things relating to animals, even eggs. Lord help me sort through this maze of food dilemmas.

I gave up on artificial sweeteners a long time ago and blame them on my memory difficulties (not old age.. lol). I have been ingesting sweeteners for decades. I also gave up the diet drinks and decaf anything. Where does alcohol fit in I wonder, maybe a bottle of wine could help me out here. I meant to say a glass… hmm

Hit me up with some real food now, please. It’s not my weight that is worrisome here (but it should be), but rather my health. Trying to adhere to what my naturopath suggested is also a freaking chore. Rice noodles instead of pasta noodles, no bakers yeast, are ramen noodles ok, what about those wraps, they are flat, no yeast in right?

Don’t eat anything you can’t pronounce on the labels? Hell if push comes to shove, I can wrap my mouth around any ingredients listed and especially if they all add up to the golden fleece.. bread!

Yep, I have a secret stash, deep in my freezer. I wait till late at night when I’m sure I am absolutely alone and unobserved, who am I kidding, I live by myself : ( I pull out the toaster and burn myself a piece of that delicious yeast laden, pillow of comfort food. I slather it with real butter which is a balm for the blackened crust and also for my butter starved soul. Oh, and I can never eat just one,  re: see wieners.

My family and friends roll their eyes at my new lifestyle change. This only serves to make me proclaim it more (it is the child in me that I revert to in my golden years and I love it : ). Who knew that it would bug them so, and why do I derive such pleasure from that.. “I’m a vegetarian” there I said again, I know.. I need to get a life.

Giving up chicken is not hard at all, most studies show that chicken needs to be handled and cooked with care. Too much bacteria and salmonella for my peace of mind. You can eat a beefsteak that is raw in the middle, not so with chicken and there has to be a reason for that, same with pork. Kentucky Fried Chicken is exempt, well dam, I am going to miss that.

I thought I was going to save a lot of money on groceries but just the opposite occurred. My body does not betray my skinny mind that thinks I am going to starve. These premium quality unsalted nuts were 15 bucks! The quinoa salads already made at Costco weren’t cheap either. Add two big containers of those bing cherries, at least I can have all the fruit and vegetables I want.

You need the stuff to go with all those rice noodles, the list goes on and on and doesn’t include a single donut anywhere. So ‘Greek Gods’ yogurt is my treat, full-on unadulterated with all the calories! Actually, it is my trade-out for ice cream and if you haven’t tried that brand yet, consider this my gift to you, you’re welcome.

Maybe my sex life will improve with this new vegetarian way of life.. could it be the secret ingredient that will keep me invested? I will definitely keep you apprised of this as it unfolds, it’s still too early yet to tell, I need to get one first.

It is time for a snack now and what possessed me to buy eight pears the size of grapefruits at Costco? I am still in crisis mode from all those dam cherries!

copyright July 2017