SUICIDE .. may you rest in peace and may we find peace somehow..

It was a facebook blurb that contained what I thought was the most important thing when someone is contemplating suicide.. a phone number! We cannot bring those we love back, but how I wish they would have called .. someone, anyone before pulling the plug.

My brother did call me..  it was many months before that fateful date he made with death. It was a collect call long distance and I knew he was going to ask for money to get him out of some kind of jam. I said she wasn’t here (meaning me) and I have never really forgiven myself for being that ‘uncaring’ person.

Would it have made a difference.. I’ll never know. That I can’t discuss him or talk about him without breaking down, is something I live with as a fact of life. That facebook blurb changed all that and it is something that I can’t shake now. He was my brother, he was fourth down the line of seven of us.. I was first and oldest.. he admired me, a lot.

I don’t think my brother did it to hurt us.. I used to think that way .. before my own dark period.

This came later for me, and I feel I can now relate to why a person would even contemplate taking their own life. I wonder how many of us, if we are being honest, has felt that death may be our only escape? At some low point in your life, did you ever consider this as a way out? I have.. and I am ashamed and wondering if I should even be sharing this?

I live with this knowledge about myself and I am so thankful I had the courage, or is it courage I wonder.. what was it that kept me from following through? The feelings of hopelessness and having no control over your life hurts so bad that death seems the only alternative to living. That pain is real and it consumes every fibre of your being.

My only thoughts were to make it look like an accident.. running my car into a cement wall was a recurring scenario. Please, don’t judge me.. I am only writing this in hopes maybe someone else will see themselves, and know they are not crazy or alone. I learned some coping skills along the way to get me over these periods of desperation.

Well maybe it was only one coping skill .. if I could make it to morning light, I knew it would be better. It was always at night and alcohol seemed to excalibrate or magnify my loneliness and helplessness. Every pore in my body.. my very soul ached for escape from my desperate unhappiness.

The living left behind are the ones that suffer the most.. and it was that thought that maybe saved me. Making it look like an accident was most important to me .. but what if I survived and was crippled for life? That also was a recurring thought. I am not proud of that period in my life.

I’m not even sure if I should be exposing this part of myself.. but I am doing it for my brother.

Suicide is a selfish act in that it leaves such pain and suffering behind.. for those left to cope with “what did we do wrong?” How could we have saved them? WHY did I not take that call? I may never forgive myself for that.. but I also do not let it define my life.

My brother obviously was in a great deal of pain and could see no way out.

As for me.. I thought the world would be a better place without me. I was functioning on the outside but I was slowly dying on the inside. I confess to many times leaving it in gods hands and I encourage others to do the same (most know me as not a church going person) I do however, believe in a higher power.

Making it through til morning is also very important ( it was to me ) is it something about a new day or a new beginning.. I don’t know. I do know I am forever grateful for my life now and I don’t wish that terrible pain on anyone. If you can get through the pain with whatever help you need .. a friend, God or even just a phone call to a stranger.. do it!

WE are not finished yet.. OUR life really matters, even if we think there is no recourse,  just make it to tomorrow! It will get better, I promise you! I am so grateful for my life now and my children and my grandkids and my friends.

I look back and realize I would have left such a big hole and pain and yes.. suffering for others to deal with.. but I was only trying to cope with my own pain.

“We have people that care about us and love us just the way we are.. please think about it.”  To my brother Gary, I’m sorry..  I didn’t realize your pain and I miss you. I stand up for gay rights and rights of any gender.. to honour you, I didn’t ever NOT love you.. I just was not paying attention, please forgive me.