First off I need to clarify that I am basically an honest person.. “does this yellow dress make me look fat?” asked my friend .. well.. “it doesn’t make you look skinny” I reply. See.. I don’t need to be brutally honest either, as I steered her toward the black dresses.. I will only quit wearing black when they come out with a darker color.
The border between our countries (Canada/US) has been fraught with pain for me. The ex was always buying things on wheels that needed customs clearance papers and RIV Canada papers and.. and.. when we didn’t have stuff to declare there was always the turmoil of how much booze do we have?
He has a big G on his forehead GUILTY.. even when we had nothing to worry about! He always worked himself up into such a frenzy before the border that we ALWAYS ended up in a fight and not speaking for hours after the crossing!
There was this one time that I will never forget. I used to coach him on what to say.. I know.. but he always wanted to give them a history of what we did or didn’t do. NEVER VOLUNTEER INFORMATION EVER… EVER.. !
What is your residence .. where are you going.. where did you come from.. how long have you been gone.. did you bring back any alcohol .. aaahhhhh… that is the killer question. Some vodka.. HOW much vodka.. no.. don’t look at me !!! I already quizzed you on everything he would ask and what you should say!!! EVERY freaking time .. as soon as you look over to me for the answers.. you know he is going to pull us over and go through all our stuff!
So.. we make it through virtually unscathed.. I want to mention here that we owned a semi pulling our fifth wheel and all these things require paperwork (which he is in charge of and I told him to have it all together and in one place). We make the other side of the border on our way home and we get pulled over .
RCMP guy jumps up on the running board asks a few questions then wants to see all our papers.. ex is all flustered and asks me where they are? Hmmm .. I have no clue where he put his papers and calmly tell him so. He then starts to argue with me saying I must know where they are (which I don’t) he then raises his voice, accusing me of god knows what I did with those papers and then I finally snap..
We are in a full out.. knock down.. drag out fight .. by now, and the officer is looking at us and shaking his head and finally says .. “you know what, you guys have enough problems, I think I’ll just leave you two alone”. THANKS A LOT BUDDY! I never spoke to the ex for the whole rest of the trip and I have never forgotten that.. although we are divorced it still makes me cringe.
Since traveling across borders on my own now, for five years, I have never had any problems and it has been such a relief. (well I still remember the incidents and I am always truthful and observant and only answer the questions posed to me) but it is strange how very few questions I get asked.
So here I am on the south side of the border with too much tequila (a birthday gift bought in Mexico for my son).. a piece of fruit (an apple that I can’t find , so I can either eat it or throw it away) an expensive piece of jewelry that cost me a lot less than the regular price but more than the allowance allotted for us to bring back.
AND I am bringing back FIFTY THOUSAND Invis-a-bibs tm.. yes .. the motherlode of bibs!!! They are all secured away in boxes in the back of my Lexis SUV on top of folded down seats covering every square inch and with a big fat huge comforter over top with my bedding, clothes and shoes and .. and.. the rest of my PARAPHANAILIA omg!
Long story short (and it is a long story) this is my new invention and it went horribly wrong at the manufactures. All these bibs have a defective adhesive and needed to be scrapped. They are still effective on most fabrics and skin but not all.. and that was the kicker. The adhesive needs to be perfect.. that is the reason it has taken me so long to bring this product to market.
So the manufacturer has agreed to replace them but what to do with this shipment? after much thought I decided to bring them back with me and use them for prototypes and some advertising aspects. I cannot sell them but can use them with discretion for marketing purposes. But how to get them across the border?
All the horrors of past crossings make their way into my consciousness as I keep trying to ferret out that dam apple.. it is here somewhere. And where did I pack the tequila and wtf am I going to say about 50,000 defective invis-a-bibs tm anyway..? I am starting to feel like my ex.. is this how he tortured himself?
Before I can formulate any clear cut answers the border looms ahead and there is no line-up and holy crap.. it is my turn. Where is your home.. hmmm Saskatoon Sask. .. how long have you been away.. 51/2 months.. Where were you staying .. “Yuma Arizona”.. and why are you crossing here?
Oh oh .. but always tell the truth..” as a matter of fact, I met a gal down south from Big Fork Montana and I spent the night at her place” and here I veer from my usual mantra and volunteer that it is sooo beautiful there I wish I could have spent more time.
Here we go.. thump thump goes my heart .. how much money in goods are you declaring, he asks me…. I look into his eyes that can see right into my soul .. oh god.. me..”400 dollars” . What did you buy ..? me.. “some purses and some jewelry” and right here is where I stumble a bit, but remember the chocolate I bought in Big Fork Montana.. “oh.. and some chocolate” I say with a big smile.. any alcohol or cigarette’s ..? and this is my litmus test .. be still my heart.. ..”no” says I without flinching or missing a beat.
Ok.. welcome back, as he gives me back my passport and waves me on, but he didn’t smile.. he never cracked a smile the whole time and he never did ask me about the fruit .. thank god! Needless to say I still can’t believe I made it through WITHOUT MY PANTS CATCHING FIRE … now where the heck is that dam apple?
I wonder how this story would have turned out had he checked my car at all.. how the heck do I explain fifty thousand Invis-a-bibs tm to a border crossing guard ? smuggling will never be a job option for me …