Two pigs heads in my bathtub.. what was I thinking? Well obviously I wasn’t, if I had a thought, it was ‘don’t forget them there’ which promptly was replaced with a myriad of other stuff. Closing up my cabin for the winter they were wrapped with care and in my freezer, which I was cleaning out.
The heads came from whole hogs that were rotisserie barbequed for a couple parties, I kept them to be used as a practical joke on my cousin, whom left a dead beaver on my cabin steps the previous summer. I planned to put one in his bed and the other in his truck at work.. ya, I know.. I need to get a life!
A necessary trip back there to retrieve them made for a great conversation 8 hours later as I’m being wheeled up to get a CAT scan for what turned out to be a strangulated hernia. If there is a pain worse than that I hope never to experience it.
“What did you do today” asked my poor unsuspecting porter.. to be followed with “I have never had an answer that bizarre.. ever”.. well he did ask and I did warn “do you really want to know?” That I could actually carry on a conversation was progress indeed. Four hours of sword wielding warriors doing battle in my stomach made me a little cranky..
How did this day go soooo wrong you may wonder.. well that makes two of us. I figured appendicitis and even joked with my kids earlier in the week “can old people get this?” The ER must have thought the same thing as they let me lay there to die, my bed is butted up to their desk, the command center .. this way they will know immediately when I pass and it will free up another bed so desperately in demand.
I reach over and snatch the sanitizing jell off their desk, my earlier upchucking left me wanting to bath in it and drink it even. This prestigious place of honor is now my ‘room’ “do not leave here, this is your space” fat chance of me going anywhere, I can’t even get onto the bed. (I’ll save that one for a blog on the world of the vertically challenged)
My cousin is at my side, she lives close by and they brought me here in record time.. thank god the upchucking was not in their beautiful truck, and hence the fast delivery time! “Try not to moan so loud, you are just going to annoy them” she whispers in my ear .. “THIS IS ME TRYING NOT TO SCREAM .. I say through clenched teeth.. omg
I try taking long breaths in and out.. “keep doing that and you’ll pass out” says a helpful nurse. “try taking long breaths in and out” says my cousin a little later.. Jesus give me strength, I silently pray, so I can punch someone in the face. They finally force me to get on the bed so they can start an IV and get drugs into my veins.
I am literally birthing those swords in my stomach. “are you feeling the meds yet” asks the nurse. Well funny thing here(nothing is funny actually) my head is feeling them and my arms and my legs but NOT my stomach though. I tell her this and also beg her to get a big needle and punch it directly into my stomach with morphine!!!! PLEASE.
An intern is taking my readings and telling me my oxygen is low and I need to scootch up a bit in the bed so I can breath easier. Scootching up is not an option here.. period! Scootch This!.. I want to say, but don’t, he says “ok I am going to lower the bed and then you can scootch up, then we’ll bring it up again.” (btw Scootch is a unique Canadian word) the oo pronounced ewwww
Flat on my back I experience the first little bit of sweet relief in four freaking hours! He hears me sigh with relief and says “I’ll leave this down for a couple minutes and come back.” He doesn’t come back and it is just as well, my pain is starting to dissipate.. I’m thinking the drugs are finally kicking in.. hallelujah!
The porter comes to get me just as I start paying attention to my surroundings. I am actually able, with some help, to get from this bed to to the CAT scan bed.. omg those drugs are working! On the trip back I get to chit chatting with him .. he wants to know more about the pigs heads.
Yep.. I am back, long story short, it was not the drugs that kicked in, but being flat on my back. That piece of bowel protruding through the belly button hernia (that I didn’t know I had) receded and so did my pain. The painful episode that preceded this attack was sudden.. one minute I am retrieving pigs heads from my bathtub at the lake and the next I am in the ER waiting to die.
And how was your Sunday? Oh my that was a week ago today, geez.. time flies when you are having fun huh?
Is there more to this story? Stay tuned..