Christmas morning I am driving to my daughters house around eightish am .. still dark.. a full moon in a clear sky is soooo beautiful ! I pull over on the highway, root through my purse and throw my wallet on the seat .. grab my iphone to take a picture of a farmers yard all lit up in xmas lights with the full moon over it. I continue on to Martensville and drive through Tims to refill my coffee and decide at the last minute to order dozen donuts to take with me. I reach for my purse and can’t find my wallet and think.. oh hell now what? The guy at the window greets me and says “your order has been paid for by the vehicle ahead of you and they wanted me to wish you a Merry Christmas!” You could NOT WIPE THE SMILE OFF MY FACE ALL THE WAY TO MY DAUGHTERS HOUSE. ((my wallet was on the seat ) isn’t that something?
Earlier in the week I received a wonderful gift from a dear friend that was thinking of me and my sadness over a sick girlfriend of mine. His unexpected gift uplifted my spirits considerably.
Christmas is now past and a few observations here. It seems that this particular one has brought about a raw memory of a Christmas gone bad in my past. My youngest brother being here to celebrate xmas with us, probably had something to do with this.
My mom had no choice but to leave my dad with six kids in tow, the youngest in diapers, that was my youngest brother. It was Christmas eve and we were all packed up and bundled off to the train station in BC. Our journey was to take us back to Saskatchewan over a thousand miles away.
I think I cried the whole trip, I had just turned 12yrs old. My dad was a drinker, a gambler, a charmer and couldn’t seem to hold down a job. I didn’t know how all these things contributed to our leaving, at the time. I only cared that it was Christmas and we were leaving my dad and I would never see him again. (I did see him again 4 years later.. it would be 15 years for my baby brother))
That memory has been inside of me a long time and it bubbled to the surface on Christmas day. We are sitting around the table with my son and his wife and my brother (the one in diapers.. when we left my dad). Relating the story of that particular xmas was matter of fact until all of these pent up emotions came bursting forth out of nowhere.. and I broke down and started to cry!
I pulled myself together and apologized, I am a grown up and I hate when I do that! My kids have come together and made this Christmas one for me to remember always.
The crying part has been bothering me since it happened and that is why I decided to write it out. Truth be told I don’t remember all that much of my childhood. Even stranger is a lot of lost memories from a 40 year marriage that ended five years ago.
My life now brims full with so many feelings.. and expressing them gets easier all the time. What is with the crying though? The bad parts are over and my healing has been such a remarkable journey. To be able to live my life without any more regrets, anger or suppressed feelings has been nothing short of a miracle..
Holding in hurt and anger and sorrow is necessary for survival sometimes .. isn’t it? I understand about giving, I totally get that. Withholding is another matter entirely. When you withhold your love and acceptance from someone.. could that mean you don’t love and accept yourself I now wonder?
In a relationship, is withholding a form of control or is it amour to protect against being hurt? Lord knows I am not a physiologist but I think suppressing emotions all the time can’t be a good thing.
My weeping must be all those suppressed feelings from the past. The reason these are all bubbling forth now.. well.. hmmmm. See it is this way I think, I didn’t get to express them first time around but now I like to live life openly and freely.
Having absolute freedom to express myself.. being generous with love and not stingy with money .. although I wish I had more (money) I am truly grateful. How did I miss these life’s lessons early on and why am I only learning all this now or does this only come with old age? Maybe.. just maybe.. these are lessons I needed to learn on this ever changing part of my journey here.
My open weeping is not because I am in anyway unhappy.. I think it comes forth for that little girl or grownup woman that held it all in for all those years .. it leaks out.. and just maybe it is freeing up room for all these good memories I am making now.
comment: This Christmas is one I will remember in my heart, my kids, a friend and even a stranger.. gave me back my joy of Christmas.. thank you.