how does it feel?

How does it feel to show up for yourself in this way”.. reads my email from Adriane, my yoga teacher. I signed up with her free online classes because I was going to improve myself. I read on and think holy shit 29 days have gone by, and I didn’t do one single class. I did read through the first one though, and then lost all interest in it. Well Adriane, I feel like such a loser and honestly I didn’t show up for myself at all. I did however, beat down a depression that threatened to engulf me, well actually it did engulf me and I have been occupied keeping it at bay since.

The whole world has changed and so have our expectations of ourselves and those around us. Our everyday life, our dreams and challenges are of a different ilk now. Lord most of us are just surviving and that is a fact. Our families hold us together but apparently not if we are living in the same house with them everyday with no escape. Then there are those of us that can’t even hold our families close to us, not even a hug..  and that I think, is almost like dying. Make no mistake, we are dying, in every country in the world old people like me, the most vulnerable, are dying without even one close person to witness and ease our passing.

I sat down here to write something hopeful and look what happens. I want to be hopeful and I want to figure out how this is all going to end or play out, if you will. Maybe our insatiable expectations of what we want or expect from our lives has done a number on us? We are a ‘have’ country after all, we don’t suffer for much. When I lament my seclusion now, I can usually get a grip by reminding myself of all the ‘have not’ countries. If we are safe, have a roof over our heads and have food security, then what the hell else do we really need? Actually I need to address this because I am so lonely sometimes that I physically ache. I live by myself after leaving a forty year marriage and I always joked that I lived happily ever after. Well that joke is not so funny anymore, but regardless, I would rather die lonely by myself than in that marriage.. see what pops up? that made me feel better already lol. (Reading this part over makes me positively giddy, sorry/not sorry :  )

On a lighter note because I really am trying to stay positive, I don’t foresee selling my place in Yuma now. I do love it there and my friends are so colourful and charming. Most are Americans but hey, we can’t all live in Canada right? My neighbour Barb is one of these Americans . She is colourful, outspoken and although I wouldn’t describe her as charming, she is as kindhearted as they come. (I wouldn’t describe myself as charming either btw) She has a huge stuffed pig on the back of her golf cart that she decorates accordingly, right now the pig is dressed in red for Valentines day. She started a parade of golf carts two or three times a week in the park and takes pictures and posts them, she also produces the parks monthly rag of what’s happening.. which is NOTHING right now. Our lovely gated park has secret rock painters that leave these rocks in peoples yards, most are quite unique and some are amazing. A fun contest of hiding some designated rocks to encourage residents to go looking for them has also emerged.

Here’s a thought, why don’t we all dress up in red on valentines day and post our pictures here on Facebook?

I guess the gist of what I wanted to share, is that we can be creative and make our own fun. If I was there I would be painting rocks too. If I did that here and left rocks at peoples doors in my condo they would think I was nuts and report me. Streaking in the hallways is also not encouraged, although if you’re wearing a mask you may get away with it. Please knock on my door if you do.. I would be pissed if I missed that lol.

I think that with some creative thinking we could all come up with ways to amuse ourselves and please share them on here if you do (toys don’t count, sorry kids). As for me I have taken to Facetiming or video chats or whatever you want to call it. This has been a recent thing and although it may irritate some, my little granddaughter absolutely delights in my calls to her. This in turn delights me and lifts my spirits and really.. how could it not? She actually squeals “NANA “.. and proceeds to sing the good morning song to me. This makes my whole day.

That my friends is what’s on my mind today, we all need some love right now. I’m sending out my love to all of you, thank you for reading my blog. If you happen to know Tom Selleck please let him know about my bucket list… he is still on it.

just sayin…