digging my way out

Digging myself out.. this

It comes in spurts, and I now recognize it, depression. Lord, this is such a negative word. Let me be clear on this, I am not a depressed person. Positivity is part of my nature and I make that conscious choice every day. And so this sadness and these tears, that burst forth uninvited and at the most awkward moments even, surprises and scares me too. The fact that I didn’t recognize the signs troubles me even more.

Since it happened, a mini breakdown of sorts, I am loath to talk about it. I need to keep up a façade of normalcy because when tears threaten it’s hard for me to keep control. I may not be able to stop them. My dilemma now is how to heal myself. I want to run away and not come back, and so it is I’m going south, virus be dammed. I have decided that the world is not going to right itself anytime soon and my place down there is a liability and I need to sell it.

That there is no snow there and I can be outside will make my decision that much easier, I’m not gonna lie. Being cooped up inside, staying covid safe has taken a toll on me. I watched the inauguration yesterday and it gave me hope. Yes, I cried but who wouldn’t. They finally will be getting a president with heart, compassion, and decency, one that wants to bring the country together again. Maybe Biden can get this virus under control, finally, they will have a plan in place. Watching everything unfold yesterday on TV did me good, I’m not so sad today.

A few dear friends have reached out to me and I appreciate them a lot. I just want to say here that this sadness inside of me doesn’t want to ‘talk’. It’s hard for me to articulate what is wrong when I don’t even know myself. I don’t think medicating myself will help, nor do I feel like wallowing or talking about it. So what is the answer I wonder? Dying does not scare me, but to be truthful an accident 10 years ago is responsible for me not fearing death. “I certainly don’t have a death wish and have no plans to die anytime soon. BUT if death does claim me I want to be clear about one thing, I am living my life each day and have no regrets.”

So that last statement just produced an “AHA” moment for me.. right here! “I am living my life each day”  WOW! See what happens when you write it down? Therein lies what may be ailing me, I am NOT “living my life each day” I am just existing. Staying safe and isolated has been my goal but for what? I am bored as hell, feel useless and miss everything and everyone. I have allowed myself to accept this new me, hmmm, and what a sorry mess I am.

This has been an eye-opening moment writing this blog. I’m starting to feel optimistic already, maybe I’m onto something here. “Living my life each day!” can it be that simple? In other words, I need to take back my life, get out of my bathrobe and get dressed in real clothes. Maybe take a drive around the city or out into the country, sure it’s winter and everything is snow, but it will get me out of my self-imposed exile.

So here’s the scoop, having already decided to sell my place down south, I am flying there next month. If life works out later this year and it is safe to travel again I can always rent a place. Making the plans to fly south is painful as hell, this bubble the last ten months has kept me safe. BUT what is the point if you wish for death, well I didn’t wish for death but I would have accepted it.

I’m feeling better by the minute already, I may be onto something.. I’m not sure. It is my youngest granddaughter’s birthday, she is four years old. Maybe I will wear a really fancy dress-up dress to her little party for just her, her other baba, her parents and myself. I have a dress with sparkles on it! I’ll do my hair and paint my nails.

I am even feeling like answering all those who texted, wrote, and worried about me. I am a little suspicious how this one blog can change my attitude to such a degree … but fck it! I’m going with it and I have to sign off now, I got stuff to do and a sparkly dress awaits.. please Lord let this feeling last.

AMEN

postscript: I have been reworking and revising my blog these last few days. I sent my thoughts to Andrew, a dear friend in Toronto and part of the writer’s group I belong to. His reply below, I wish everyone could read this.

“Yes, a word can change your life.  A thought can change your life.  A choice can change your life.  Like flipping a light switch, a word can take you from darkness to light.”

This spoke directly to how I was feeling, those amazing words should be implanted into our hearts, painted on a billboard for all to see, and lastly imprinted onto our brain.

I was on the receiving end of many kind words, wow.. a heartfelt thank you for taking the time to message me. I hear every single one of you and it warmed my heart, it really did. Miguel, your private message humbled me, I felt the love. Andrew your continued support and concern for me give me inspiration. We truly do feed our soul with the words we hear and the words we read. To you Annie, thank you : )

Make your words count to someone you love, don’t be afraid to use the ‘love’ word. These are such trying times please call or facetime your loved ones, especially those that live alone. We possess unique power, with our words we can make a difference, use them to shine a light.