Knowing this too shall pass doesn’t make it easier.. it just doesn’t! I know we all lose loved ones, but why is it some hurt more than others? Did we love them more or is it more complicated than that? Pondering this hurt, trying to figure out the whys, has me nowhere near to an answer that makes any sense.
Time is supposed to heal us and it has gotten a little bit easier, at least I don’t burst out crying all the time. At home and alone I can cry if I want to and I do. I’m trying to get a grip but honestly I just don’t know, its not like I am dying. The fact is I am pretty sure I’m going to die, and my life, is what it is…
What I mean by my life is what it is.. is that I am ready. I tell my kids pretty much all the time that I love them. I hug them a lot, I just hugged my oldest granddaughter yesterday for the longest time.. she let me cry on her shoulder. The loss of my favorite uncle awhile ago still has me trying to crawl out of an abyss I didn’t see coming.
Its not the death itself.. I knew, as did everyone, that he was dying for the last two years. We even discussed it at length. He was not afraid to die and talked about it so calmly and matter of fact, we even joked about it. When he finally did die I was not in the least prepared for all this hurting.. wtf???????
My daughter called me last night, her best friend just died unexpectedly. Her friend was in the hospital recuperating with some broken bones from a hunting accident. The thing is, my daughter was heartsick and I had no words of comfort for her. I only knew not to say that her friend was in a better place, because that is just bullshit.
For those that live in constant pain and life is unbearable, death may be a better place, its just that I’m not buying it. I feel so bad for her, she is in for a load of heart-ache. If there is a better way to handle this hurting then I’m unaware of it.
I know some will say turn to the lord, believe me when I say I’m not knocking it, he has already carried some of my life burdens. Its the day to day realization that they are not here anymore and its just not fair to us! We can’t call them or visit them or even touch them or give them a hug.. damn it!
Crying helps a little.. relieving some of the pressure and leaving us spent.. but then it comes on again full force when you least expect it! I hate when that happens and I try to stop it, but sometimes it just pours forth. I don’t want anyone to hurt this bad for me.. especially my kids. Oh.. and I also hope when I die, I go fast, no lingering, just sayin..
Maybe I need to start looking at this from a different angle. My uncle wouldn’t wish this on me, I know he wouldn’t. Maybe I should picture him looking at me and shaking his head, hmmm… Maybe I should talk to him in my head? I sent messages with him for my mom and a few others.
He is with his wife now and the love they shared was an inspiration for me in my life. So ya… there’s that, and he was ready to go, to be with her “Marilyn hated the dark” he always told me. My nana (his mom) left us quickly, bowling one week and dead the next.. from a brain tumor. I still dream of her, she is alive in my dreams and that makes me so happy!
I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort for my daughter.. I am so sorry for her loss. I feel her pain, I know how hard it is going to be, and she may never get over it. Our losses make us stronger, that’s a fact, we’re still here aren’t we? We couldn’t save them but we would have.. if we could have.
They will never die in our hearts because that’s where they are now. Maybe that’s why it feels like our heart hurts so bad.. its just stretching to make room for them there.
I hope so..