This day is bright and shiny and new.. well, actually it is cloudy and kinda gloomy, but it is a new day! When you want to start something new, how do you do it? Do you wait for the week-end to be over, maybe even a new month or do you dive right in? My strategy is to dive right in, sink or swim… lol
Most things I want to accomplish eventually happens, one way or another. Then there is the stuff that is never going to happen.. or maybe in another life. Finding my soul mate falls into that category, such a waste of me, I have so much to give.. ah well. Then there is the practical side of life, dare I say the boring part?
There is stuff that needs to be done or needs to take place in order for us to live. If I only had today to live I don’t think I want to eat lettuce, do you? Thank goodness there’s a recall on right now.. how is it they never recall chocolate I wonder? If I died eating chocolate I couldn’t think of a happier ending.
Getting up earlier to enjoy more of my last day would be good, then what? Well making myself a coffee to contemplate my life or lack of it. I would sit down to write some letters, maybe even compose some poems for my loved ones. At least I don’t have to worry about composing one for a soul mate that never materialized. To think I wasted so much of my precious time here on earth, shaving my legs.. damn..
My worst fear is my messy housekeeping. With only today to live there is not enough time to clear out all my clutter. Ah well.. the kids are just gonna throw it all away anyway. I can forget about all the things I wanted to start, and the stuff I never finished is not that important, or I would have finished it, right?
There are no regrets.. well that’s not totally true, but I’ve flushed the ones that can’t be fixed. Some of them just made me stronger anyway, there is one that haunts me somewhat. Maybe if I put if down on paper I can finally release that, hmmm…
My only regret is that I feel I wasted a good chunk of my life on something that I thought was worth saving but in actuality, was really a lost cause. Some things are beyond our control but.. we think we can control it or make it better or save the day, if you will. We do not possess the power to change other people. If you think that changing yourself, to meet other peoples needs, is a solution.. its not! it just isn’t.. trust me.
So.. on with my day, I’m going to make something really good to eat. Why can’t we be more thoughtful to ourselves, if I had a soul mate I would be making something delicious for him. Maybe I should be my own soul mate.. hmmm how would that work I wonder? More important, would I still have to shave my legs?
I have experienced a love and an intimacy I thought I had died and gone to heaven (it was that good : ) but alas here I am, still. Had I not had that experience, this search wouldn’t have happened.. damn him, but it was not to be. If you have ever heard that song by Garth Brooks ‘The Dance’ it explains everything.
So I am back at square one, my regrets are few and my wishes are just that. I really wish I could have lost some weight, but if I only have today, I would’ve been pissed that I passed up that delicious piece of cake or pie or whatever it was, don’t worry I didn’t, bahahaha. I’m gonna be cremated anyway so no one has to actually carry me, just sayin..
So if today is my last, I can honestly say this. I am living my life my way.. and thank you Lord for these years of freedom and joy. The highs and the lows, the good and the bad.. are all on me. How I handled it and how I live now, is all my choice.. how many of us can say that? I am really thankful for this.
Oh.. and one more thing, I don’t know why I keep writing about death. Just know this.. I am not dying, I’m still looking for a soul mate (but not shaving my legs anytime soon). If you know any old guys that are single and still have a pulse call me ok?
Important Update (a few comments has spurred me to write this)
I need to clarify something here.. this blog post is certainly not meant to be a ‘downer’ quite the opposite in fact. When I write personal stuff it is therapeutic for me and helps me understand my life. I also hope that it resonates with others as well. If it helps even just one person to see the beauty and light in our lives, that we only need let it in or make changes or.. be brave and fearless! I strive to inject humor but I also need to acknowledge pain as well.. this is all part of living MY BEST LIFE.. #lmbl
I want to be a real writer, writing about real stuff. Most of all I want others that may be feeling the same or going through anguish and pain, always questioning themselves, like I did, to know they are not alone. There is light and laughter and freedom and joy.. enough for all of us, I found my power and took it back! And so can you : )
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends..