am I ok?

AM I OK?

So this happened yesterday, I read a facebook post, posted there by someone I admire very much. This was the second time it crossed my feed, I couldn’t deal with it the first time. It made me so sad, I didn’t know what to write her, but I knew I had to write something. Her husband and soul mate was transitioning into the afterlife is how she put it, she wrote it so beautifully, it was so poignant.. a letter of love to him and to all of us, reading it. I had met him a few times and you could see they have something special. It shook me up pretty good, the second time it came across my feed yesterday morning I burst into tears.

The tears flowed and I felt such sorrow for her. Then these tears turned on me and flowed into my soul. I. just. couldn’t. stop. them. The flow ebbed and peaked, and ebbed and peaked, then pausing for a brief respite, within seconds bursting forth once more. I think this went on for a few hours or maybe it was all morning. I’m a crier anyway but I instinctively knew that I was not ok. I probably haven’t been ok for awhile now. This is really hard to write, mainly because I think I am the strongest person I know.

When I sat down to write this I looked back at my previous writing and was mildly shocked to see that I haven’t written anything for a few weeks. I checked again to see if maybe some stuff was deleted by chance, but no.. I’m still in shock somewhat. I usually write something everyday. I have a book or two that I’ve been dabbling at. I write some things in a journal that may or may not see the light of day. I searched and found nothing. Is this a sign I wonder?

Depression is something that happens to other people, I am an optimist. That I actually wrote down that word is maybe a step forward hmmmm. I have nothing to be depressed about, God knows I am truly blessed in this life and I should be thankful. Why is it then that I didn’t care yesterday if I lived or not? Now don’t take this the wrong way, I wasn’t thinking of taking my own life no.. no.. no… its just that I didn’t care if my life was over, it just seemed that I had nothing to live for anyway.

This is not a call for sympathy.. please no! Its just me trying to figure stuff out by writing it down. These past few weeks have been so unfruitful, nothing redeeming about them at all. Even changing into real clothes was not worth the effort.. why? Nobody visits and no one even knocks on my door, I don’t go anywhere and even cooking for myself is an effort. I suppose I know on some level this isn’t right, but who actually cares? not me and everyone has their own lives to live, they needn’t revolve around mine.

When anyone asks are you ok or how are you doing, I put on a smile and say great, but I’m not great.. I’m dying inside a little each day, I think. To be fair I am trying to stay covid safe so I don’t do any frivolous shit, you know.. like shopping for nothing and eating out at random places or driving around picking up men.. ok so that was a joke. That is also another reason why I feel so alone I guess. No soul mate here, and I don’t have a dog.

The saddest part of all this is that I don’t want to do anything. I have a pool in my complex where I live, I used to use it all the time, then it was closed for many months and now it is too much effort. The gym is also open, for those that exercise, of which I am not one. I did sign up for free yoga everyday with Adrianne (you may have seen it on facebook) I am now 16 lessons behind.. I read halfway through the first lesson.. sigh. I did learn something though, don’t sign up for shit you are not going to do! The reminder from Adriane everyday is killing me softly with her love…

Everyone has jobs and a life and I totally understand that. But it doesn’t make me feel better, just useless I guess.

My breakdown yesterday morning came as a complete surprise but maybe it shouldn’t have. All the signs are here right inside me, and now writing about it, in front of me on my screen. I’m sharing this only because maybe someone else out there will read it and not feel so alone. I am going to look into calling someone, maybe.. if I can’t find my way through this. I feel like such a loser and I also know that is a stupid thought, but why do we need to feel this way when we need help?

So in the midst of my breakdown yesterday morning I hear a ding on my phone and it made me even more sad and then mad.. another text from Shoppers Drug Mart no doubt, wtf? I need love not drugs. I go pick it up and see a text from my oldest granddaughter inviting me to go shopping with her and a gf at Value Village. Well I would sooner stick needles in my eyes than go to Value Village in these Covid times. I explain nicely to her my staying safe rules and tell her I love her. She then texts back “well can I see you soon?” THIS ONE SENTENCE brings me back into myself!! This was the universe replacing my despair with the love I always felt for this special grandchild of mine, my first one.. we have a special bond. So we made a plan to have supper at a safe place close to me, when they were done shopping and it was exactly what I needed.

“Well can I see you soon?” who knew those six words would be so healing? I asked her at supper what made her text me yesterday morning with those plans? She said her mom asked her a week ago to check in on me, I seemed sad lately.

                     “blessed are the children for they shall inherit the earth”

Check in on your loved ones, call your parents or grandparents. Make time for those you love, we are not going to be here forever, nor should we. And know if we’re not here, we will always be with you in spirit, and I believe that with my whole heart.