dear mom ‘rebooted May 13th 2023’ (edited)

Dear Mom..

The longer I live, the more I recognize myself in you. Being quick to judge and voicing my opinions, was more me than you and just too easy. We learn as grow older how foolish that is.  My judging you will always be one of my biggest regrets, I do have a few.. how could you stand me I wonder now.

I was pretty dam arrogant sometimes and thought I knew it all!  Wow.. little did I know how little I knew. You were twelve years younger than me with six kids in tow before I even had my first one.  Married to a man that dragged us all back and forth between B.C. and Saskatchewan, over a thousand miles, because he couldn’t hold down a job.

When you left him that must have been hard and taken a lot of guts.  He seemed to forget he had any kids, but you didn’t.  ‘Out of sight out of mind,’ how do men do that I wonder? All this was ‘back in the day’ when it was frowned upon. I never asked you how you felt or what drove you or.. or.. so many questions now, and it is too late to ask you. You most likely had a secret determination to make a better life for yourself and us, or it could have been a choice between starving or survival. I know it wasn’t easy because I lived it with you.

Being a nana or a baba or grandmother is so much easier for us now. We are not in the direct line of fire from the parents who raised us, and grandkids are much more forgiving of our shortcomings. It’s sure not what I was expecting, this age thing.  Seems the older I get, the needier I am of my own children’s love.  Their disapproval is hard to take and why is that, never mind, it’s probably my mouth again.

Age has certainly loosened my tongue and I feel such freedom, maybe it was my divorce, hmmm. Either way, I like being able to talk or write whatever I want.  Inheriting my writing skills from you Mom, you had so many talents, your writing and poetry being just the icing on the cake.

So I fancy myself more active than you ever were, but maybe not, lord knows I didn’t raise seven kids. The last child made an appearance when I was already 18 years old.  I do exercise somewhat, and if I’m lucky with a lover, there goes my mouth again. The pool sees me most mornings. The funny thing is I don’t ever remember you and Dad having a sex life. You confided in me once about my dads’ sex drive.. and I now know why I have so many siblings, maybe I inherited that from him?

Why is it I wonder, as kids, we just assumed our parents didn’t have a sex life?  When you ended up being single again did you ever have a lover? Aging, is this need to feel loved, even though I am single. Love, hugs, and social activities keep me excited about life’s challenges. Mom, I wish I would have hugged you more.

I know you read a lot of romance novels, were you reliving or maybe searching for something that was long gone? I hope you got to experience that special connection in your life with someone you loved. I think maybe you did, although not with my dad, maybe with the father of my youngest sister. You let him into your life and I think into your heart as well. I sure hope that was the case.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t appreciate you more Mom.  I’ve come face to face with my own selfish pride and ignorance. I was stupid and admit it and you knew this but kept it to yourself.  You always shared with me your wisdom and complete faith in me and your love for me as well.  This manifested itself in an ‘Aha moment’ and comforted me a couple of years after you passed, and I am so grateful to you for that. Thank you for understanding.

My love of water came from you, you taught me to swim before walking.  My passion for writing also comes directly from you, both of these bring me such pleasure and peace.  My granddaughter Meegan called you great-nana at the lake with frogs (your frog collection).  She has grown so much and has her own life now. My daughter also hears you at the lake every once in a while as do I, and those are precious moments we savour and share with each other.

Although you are gone you will never die on my watch, you are alive in my head and we converse often, well, I talk and you listen (some stuff never changes.. huh?) You did listen though when it was important to me.  I wasn’t as respectful of you and I’m sorry for that.

Mother’s Day is close again and here I am, thinking of you a lot. I think of your mom, my own nana, whom I also loved dearly, and Baba and Grandma Cambridge. They were all moms just like you and I and my daughter, and we are all proof that a mother’s love never dies. Nobody loves our children as we do.. period. I know you loved mine as well.

I have a brand new granddaughter and she will know you through me. You taught us and you did the best you knew how. I have you to thank for my infinite love of my daughter and my son and now my grandchildren.

“I see it this way mom, if I didn’t feel your love for me how would I know how to love my own, is this why its called the circle of life”

I love you, I miss you and I honor you…

copyright

May 2018