Dead is Forever


I think we all have the capacity to self destruct, and have at least contemplated it, at one time or another in our lives. This could be a big misconception on my part.  I was raised in a broken home and we did live on welfare from time to time, but I don’t feel scarred from this, I did know that both my parents loved me,but they were just human.. after all.

Is it life’s trials that make or break us..  our relationships.. our circumstance.. our family  or our own foibles? Now that I am older and wiser (well older for sure) I look back and I wonder at some of my own life struggles.. while married I sometimes felt I was living in despair with no chance of parole and at those times I  thought it would just be easier to die than to keep on living. Of course I thought I was alone in this, it was not something that was openly discussed. (I did confide in a close relative and that helped somewhat)

My theory is that we wrap our identities in someone else’s cloak and when we take on their insecurities and make them our own then we have a double whammy! My own self worth was wrapped up in my ex’s view of me and I always came up short. Respect for each other was not something we shared in our 40 year marriage.

Suicide is a very selfish act.. but I don’t think for a minute that when we are considering doing this that it is a ‘thought out’ decision. We feel worthless and we feel we have nothing to contribute that would benefit anyone and it would just be better.. everyone would be better off without me… there is just too much pain and I can’t handle  it. It would be so much easier to just die.. please lord let me die or Jesus give me the strength to make it through the night.

When I was in that place I did understand about those left behind.. and I would think up scenarios to make it look like an accident.. a very grisly one.. I have to admit, but maybe that is what saved me. I always worried that I might not die and then I would be maimed for life.. ah well that is in the past.

Alcohol and drugs never.. ever.. are substitutes for love and respect. The false sense of ‘bravado’ or ‘security’ or  what ever it is you lack and feel alcohol fixes only makes it worse. The drugs and alcohol actually make it easier to make that fatal choice.

I think we all have our own demons, if we could just make it through those rough patches.. we can survive.. anything! Personally I think life is all about our relationships and we need to make better choices about who we let into our own personal spaces. And.. and.. why is it we continually let other people define us anyway?

That was my younger years and alcohol was involved a few times, but my feelings of self worth were at an all time low. Fortunately I was able to overcome a lot of these demons and I came to understand the link with alcohol exacerbating my emotional turmoil.

Depression is so hard to define, do we all experience it differently? I didn’t think I was depressed all those years, I just thought that I was an inferior being and I needed to work harder to be a better person. Having a spouse that continually put me down and emotionally  left me wanting, made me futilely strive all the more to make myself worthy! With the divorce came peace, sweet lovely peace, and a new beginning.

How is it that we give all our power so easily to others to use against us? I will never make that mistake again.

An accident four years ago this month did spin me into a depression that took almost a year to pull myself out of. With the help of a great therapist I was able to ‘heal’. Funny part was that I didn’t even know I was depressed. I was so happy coming out of a forty year marriage that almost destroyed my soul that it was hard to deal with the accident.

My friends and family (not the ex, he would not have understood.. at all!) were very patient with me. My friends suffered through my ‘crying jags that popped up out of nowhere’ and they made me laugh. My son, who was my boss as well (maybe didn’t understand) but accepted the fact that I couldn’t make any decisions working events.. but only specific tasks. In fact I couldn’t work for 8 months, it was as if I was immobilized.

I couldn’t even read or watch TV and I couldn’t really focus on anything. I was functioning but ‘lost’ inside myself. See.. it was like this.. when I knew I couldn’t avoid hitting the vehicle that crossed the busy highway in front of me.. in that instant I ‘knew’ I was going to die! That I didn’t die was so hard for me to comprehend.. it messed me up pretty good.. it was the age old question that done me in I guess.. “what is my purpose here on earth” ?

I don’t know if I am making any sense here for anyone, but I sure hope so. I found the courage somehow to pull myself out of a depressing marriage and I have never looked back. The depression I suffered from the accident was helped by a professional.. my friends and some  family members.

Depression and suicide are related I guess, but suicide I feel is directly related to our feelings of self worth. We all need to be patient and understanding of others and need to treat everyone with respect…

I ASK MY GRANDDAUGHTER OF HER NEW BOYFRIENDS..”IS HE RESPECTFUL?” We need to teach our kids to expect respect, and break the cycle of indignity we inflict on others.

If you have someone in your life that is not respecting you, and in fact is  contributing to your NEGATIVE feelings of self worth..  get rid of them TODAY!!!! (there is no sense worrying about being by yourself if you end up dead..  you need to understand that!)

If you are ‘in limbo’ and cry all the time and can’t make a descision or just can’t function… seek professional help TODAY ..oh and if that doesn’t help.. try someone else (I hit paydirt on the second therapist).

DEAD IS FOREVER…… I WOULD HAVE MISSED SO MUCHand I am grateful now.. for every day !

4 thoughts on “Dead is Forever

  1. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and esp. to post a comment .. Great comment .. Thanks!

  2. Yes you never know what someone is going through just hope that I have helped you and others get through tough times. Thanks for sharing……….find a good listener, professional, friend or family member to help you get through those times and by doing that maybe you can help them also

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