What is it about leaving that hurts so much? I know I will see you again so what’s with the heart-ache and why am I so sad? Being an independent woman is what I always wanted. I think it is great to be able to love and be loved.. why is it I think we need to be together? Or is it just more time I need with you?
This new-found freedom suits me and I love the adventure and the excitement of.. “where do I go from here“? Traveling.. to anywhere in the world.. hmmm.. well having someone to travel with is better. I’ve done both and unless it is a conference where you will hook up with like-minded individuals, it is nice to have someone to travel with.
We share an email life that is vibrant and interesting. I guess that connection is what keeps this door from completely closing. The questions I have about things you know and ideas shared has always been special for me. The encouragement of my abilities never grows old. You have quietly been cheering me on all this time.
And time does pass and I do miss you and I have tried to replace you. I always thought that you can learn to love someone and that given time it will ‘jell’. I know different now.. or is it just me.. I wonder?
Being free and single was an eye-opener after many years ‘in captivity’ .. so to speak. I was all set to take on my new personal and sexual freedom come what may .. (no more emotional attachments for me, uh uh) but lo and behold.. it hasn’t turned out the way I planned. Maybe being a woman has everything to do with it.. having ample opportunities came as some-what of a surprise. Taking advantage of that is not at all what I envisioned.
Maybe I am still ‘unfinished‘ .. what do you think? Living in the present, surviving the divorce and a life changing car accident, it’s what I do best now and I should stick to that! I have gradually come to fully appreciate my personal freedom and maybe this is what I need.
The life-changing moment taught me to live today and not ‘if and when.. if I do this or when I lose that or if I save enough for this or when I’m done that etc.’ Like most, I know I am going to die eventually, but unlike most of us.. I know it can happen tomorrow or even.. today!
Ok.. so just a little side note here, for those of you who know me (and this is to my kids.. quit reading my blog!). If I do die tomorrow or even today! I am exactly where I want to be and I am living each day the best I know how .. and that is all I can do.
Also please be aware that this is not cheap and if I run out of money .. well you try living on a pension.. geeze! Now where was I.. oh ya.. if I run out of money I am coming to live with you.. and you.. and you too (so quit laughing).. just sayin.
Carving out this new life is still so full of possibilities and how is it I still feel this way at my age? Being a senior citizen seems ludicrous.. but I’m not turning down the free coffee at McDonald’s just yet, or the senior discounts that are everywhere!
I feel like I am just getting started and I have so much to accomplish yet.. this blog and my new invention keep me engaged. My new winter home in Arizona is yet another adventure I am excited about. I have so many catering buddies I want to visit.. all over the states.. darn, that could take me all winter and next !
Do all women go through this metamorphosis in later life when they lose a mate or as in my case.. divorce one? Am I expecting too much or maybe I already have too much and should be grateful.. ahhhhh see what happens when you write it down?????
We still need love and if I didn’t know you, I guess I would still be looking for it .. that yours is not the settle down live with me kind.. well.. it still shields me as I navigate this uncharted territory! Having you back for such a short visit only confirmed the obvious.
Yes, it was a fantastic visit and yes, I was heartbroken when you left.. the physical ache was painful. But what the heck.. you didn’t die and I am sure we have not seen the last of each other. I am not closing the door on the possibility of another love.. but this one remains only for you to.. ‘come love with me’.
There I coined a new phrase! and.. and.. yes.. I am grateful for this second chance to live my life.