A close friend I met for coffee, texted me later on to say “remember to take a few days to make yourself a happy person.” She goes on “do something to put a smile on your face. Make something yummy and share it. Write something positive for everyone to read.” She inserted happy faces, then says.. “Do your nails in a bright happy color. Laugh at a funny joke. Remember to enjoy your day”.. then she inserted more happy faces..
She actually nailed it.. and what the hell happened here anyway? Was it that obvious and did I really project all this to her? Wow.. I was dumbfounded that my hurt, turmoil and yes.. an inner anger that I was trying to flush, did not pass her by. The only negative thing I remember saying to her was that I still felt shitty.. after deciding to make, yet another life change.
See.. here’s the thing, I choose to be a ‘Mary sunshine’ kinda person and strive to lead a happy and satisfied life, BUT .. OMG.. Something has happened to me along the way. To be quite honest with you (and you all know I am pretty transparent and don’t hold much back) I HAVE NOT BEEN that person for awhile I guess, and never even realized it!
How is it that this got past me? Well.. that is not completely true, I have been searching for answers to why my guts were in turmoil while driving to work some days. AND why is it our guts.. that send out forebodings of dread? I usually listen to my gut instincts but I kept shooing it away.. ahhhhhhhh…
Truth is, I have opened myself up to situations (this could be people or events or even circumstances that dictates the things we do) that were maybe best left alone. BUT I am a full steam ahead kinda gal and ignored all the warnings until it was too late. So now I need to forgive myself for ignoring all the warning signs, and get myself back on track.
So I decided I am going to write a letter to myself..
Never let anyone or anything define who you are and what you do, this has lead you to question yourself.. are you listening? Interrupting my life to help others was well intentioned, but really not wise, on hindsight. Look how this has backfired and made you feel like less of a person and how the hell did that even happen?
I know you mean well and your heart is always in whatever you do these past years, but here you are thinking you did something wrong. The outcome of a recent journey that has not ended well, has you blaming yourself.. omg! You of all people should know that you are NOT responsible for others actions.. only your own.
YOU define who you are .. that you let your guard down should be a lesson. Hmmm .. ok, I take that back right now! This is the bad part about living your life following your heart. Others don’t understand this and say things like “don’t be so passionate” and “why do you care so much” “this is not personal”.. ya but.. but, it is personal and you are passionate, AND I like you just the way you are! ..a guarded life is living your life on hold, we have been there and done that.. you even wrote about it..
You knew that living and loving from your heart would have consequences, along with the glorious highs come the not so glorious lows. We made decisions that others maybe don’t agree with, but we also own up to them. You have never made any decisions for your own gain at someone else’s expense.. be proud of this, even if you are the only one that thinks so.. so be it!
You care way too much and.. and .. well.. you just care way too much! BUT I love that you do, and don’t ever change.. not for anyone, or anything! Always follow your passion, my god.. our soul thrives on this. To lose this is to die a slow death .. one you may even wish for. I know you wrote a blog about slowly dying and someday you will share it.
Today is fresh and new and no matter what others think of you.. you did the right thing, reversing a situation that was slowly killing your spirit! Most will never know this, but we do and that’s all that matters!
I love you just the way you are.. never change..