waiting to exhale.. NOT!


I’m watching home movies taken with a video camera, the old fashioned kind,  the tapes are six hours long. Then recording some of it onto my phone, and watching it again. This was a week ago. There is a weird noise on the soundtrack and I’m trying to identify it. Sounds like I am grunting every 5 seconds or so wth? This sound puzzles me so I start paying attention to my breathing. To be honest I have noticed this about my breathing before, it is always on my videos.

This virus thing has me concentrating on the stupidest things I know. Too much time on my hands for sure, but then not enough time sometimes, when I leave everything to do another day? That day is here now, and I need to take action. Well it is just my patio doors that need cleaning on the outside, but minus temps had put that on hold. It’s been in the plus temps last two days, but here I am at my computer and not wiping down my patio doors. Lord help me, I am such a procrastinator.

I did something else last week that I am experimenting with. I’m waiting to see if this is all in my head or if I actually made a difference in my life. Most of us carry around baggage from our past. I try to live in the moment or ‘the day’ like right now and not yesterday or tomorrow. Was that confusing for you, well it was confusing for me too and I wrote it :  ) So this grunting sound on the video is bothering me, annoying as hell actually. What is the reason for this and is it a subconscious thing? Like I said, way too much time…

So lets get on with this. I started paying attention to my breathing habits and realized I hold my breath A LOT. Even when I am doing nothing but just daydreaming. I will be thinking of something, and to be honest, it is probably some baggage from my past. Tuning into my thoughts,  and .. yes.. there it is again, I’m holding in my breath. My memory is playing me a scene from a lover in my past (very sexy and loving). A curious thing, we are over and done, I can’t change it, nor do I want to. Why am I doing this to myself. Another scene plays out on something different and again I am subconsciously holding in my breath. That was an interaction with my kids, I spend more time in my head with them, than actual real time. Another scene and something from a future thought on what could happen or may happen or nothing will come of it… hmmmm, I need to breath, take a deep breath.

All these thoughts have one common theme, have you figured it out? It took me awhile and then I had an AHA moment. Well it wasn’t really so much an AHA moment, as an idea that was percolating lazily in my brain for quite some time. Once I figured out the what, why and how and all that shit, it finally dawned on me. I was reliving these moments in time because maybe I could learn something going forward. I was holding my breath like it was important. NEWSFLASH.. it isn’t important anymore, it is over and done with! Another NEWSFLASH, I decided that ALL these flashbacks were part of growing up, mentally of course, even the hurting ones. Every experience connects us to how we learn to cope with life. Dare I say we are better for these experiences? I have absolutely no control over something that’s already happened or may happen tomorrow.

Once I realized what I was doing and how my body was coping with this, I made a deal with myself to try something new. I decided that all these episodes in my life, were intimately instrumental in shaping me to be the most amazing woman I am today. I want to repeat this, because it is important “all these episodes in my life, were intimately instrumental in shaping me to be the most amazing woman I am today.”

Seriously, this may work for you too! Its worth trying, make a conscious decision to accept all and everything that has already happened, as something needed, to shape us into the women we are taday. I took a deep breath and exhaled, and then I smiled. I had to do it as many times as the memory tapes replayed in my head. (especially the lover one, I confess there was a little sadness there before) Each time, reassuring myself how lucky I am to have had these experiences. Do it, try it, think about it and make a conscious decision. This is not the same as flushing it, but rather embracing the experiences as making you better, stronger and oh.. so much happier. (I feel joy now with the lover one)

That was last week, so here I am sharing it because I think I am onto something and it feels pretty good. I am sporting a new attitude, directly related to my past, which had everything to do with making me the amazing person I am today. I want to break out into that song, you know the one, about having a new attitude “ou ou ou .. I have a new attitude!”

Try it!

I could be way off base here but it’s my blog and I wanted to write about it. Have any of you ever experienced this? A whole week later and I swear this is making a difference. Its like the movie ‘waiting to exhale’ I finally get it! Have I been waiting to exhale my whole grownup life? .. well have I?

ok .. time to tackle the patio door windows..