Killing me softly..

They say you can’t go back.. but what if you feel you never really left in the first place. Let me explain, divesting myself of the family business and a failed marriage, propelled me into a new life ‘My Third Life’ to be precise. I recently stepped back into this company I started many years ago, to help with a transition taking place.

Entering retirement helped me ‘let go’ of my old life. This started me on a ¬†journey to find my passion, and in the process.. finding myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t lost, hard to believe right? I think a lot of us (females) get caught up in making others dreams come true, while softening the edges of life for them.. we are then left wanting..

Stepping back into this world was a little unnerving. At first I was only doing the time and resenting it a bit because I was once again hostage to the cold winter months here. Back in the day that other life also had me on a fast snowmobile trying to keep up to the male ‘speed demons’ on their faster sleds. Needless to say peach schnapps helped sooth that.

I am back at work and here is my first real paycheck in how many years.. and with it comes my attitude adjustment.

A funny thing happened meantime though. I started getting excited about what I am doing and reconnecting with past clients. Snagging a lucrative and challenging event was like icing on the cake.. I haven’t lost my ‘touch’! Keeping in the loop is easy for me, I developed many friendships through the years and still attend the yearly conferences in my field.

When we age and retire we don’t just sit around waiting to die. Well maybe some do, but most of us find new ventures to keep us engaged. Pickle ball seems to be a new phenomenon, but that is exercise, lord knows we could all use it but I will take a pass. I prefer the pool where I get to be light as a feather every morning, forgetting for an hour, the excess baggage on my beautiful frame.

When an older person goes back to work, it has consequences I think. Younger ones think we are relics from a by-gone era “we don’t do that anymore” is a common refrain. Well why is that I wonder? .. but clearly that remark was meant as an end to the discussion, period! Has everything changed I wonder.. hmmm some has and some hasn’t.

I need to bite my tongue, on a few things that really bug me. Wastefulness is an old people bugaboo I think .. lordy, lordy, how hard is it to use a spatula to get out the rest of the mayo in that jar? Same for the BBQ sauces and .. and.. when you are cutting peppers, just throw away the whole top you are too lazy to trim down.. I know, but geez!

I could do a whole dialog on wastefulness but I won’t, well maybe just one more. The walk in cooler has a lot of perishables in it.. pay attention! If you see something that is not going to get used.. for gods sakes put it aside for our favorite drop off center! They are really appreciative of anything we take them. We have hungry people here in Canada too, ya know!

This working gig is like walking a tight-rope as well. Being away from the day to day running of a business, then coming back, was exhilarating on one hand but demoralizing on another. Taking in the comments about how things are run now was a little discouraging, and to be truthful, didn’t sit well.

I was once the boss but now the butt of some jokes.. getting little respect. True I knew nothing about the computer program, but I preferred to muddle through it, rather than being taught like I was in kindergarten. This was my impression anyway, AND when you all worked for me I didn’t pretend we weren’t related.. just sayin!

This brings me to the reason I sat down here to write this morning. My kids mean everything to me, this job is not helping the relationships I care most deeply about. There was a reason I exited this business all those years ago and it has taken me awhile to remember that.

I am not the boss anymore, but I want to be. I see things that I want to change but not at the cost of causing estrangement to those I care most about. I wasn’t looking for a job when this came along and to be truthful, I feel all the old stresses seeping back into my life.

I don’t ever do anything half-way.. I give it my full attention and all my passion. AND there it is.. I need to get back to my writing and the life I was creating before I was sucked back into this one, that is killing me softly…

The end…