Flying Solo.. am I lost ?

imagesAE0C25T6Attending a function this past week for women entrepreneurs made me very aware of my aging self. When did they start honoring these young women that look fresh out of college .. and when did I get so old?

The guest speaker Jami Young (her last name even evokes youthfulness) gave me pause to re-evaluate my own life. She was asked a question to the effect of “where do you see yourself 20 years from today?” and my immediate thought was .. omg .. I will probably be dead!

Is this all about the younger generation I wonder, have I had my ‘day in the sun’ so to speak? I certainly don’t feel any different today than say, 10 years ago or even twenty. My life has changed much these past 6 years, since I divorced my husband of forty years. Age wise I feel younger and freer, it is just a number right?

The whole evening was a little bit painful.. being there by myself. The speakers mom was gracious enough to include me at her table. It was an informal affair but my uneasiness wouldn’t leave..

The young speaker admitted at the end, to being somewhat uncomfortable as well, she assured us that it was not a bad thing. She said we need to feel that at times, but I would rather not.

My fear of what next..  for my life..  has me living my life on hold, does this have to do with growing older? Everyone looks like babies to me.. like they are fresh out of school and here they are, already practicing medicine and law and owning businesses and .. and since when did this age thing start mattering to me?

This gal up there is telling her story, and doing a great job of keeping us engaged. She has accomplished a lot in her short time.. personally as well as academically, all the while gaining business acumen.

The conflict taking place in my head is competing with the story she is sharing with us. Do I belong here, what is my role.. am I ever going to get exposure for my product or am I too old for this shit? Sometimes I feel like I have dug myself into a hole and I need to move on, but I can’t until the hole is filled in. Where the heck did I put that shovel anyway?

Bringing my dream to life was such an exciting journey.. but one I can’t seem to finish. The excitement has worn off but I still need to market my ‘baby’. All momentum is gone and not knowing how to move forward has me stuck where I am.

I look around the room and although a smile is pasted onto my face I feel it slowly dying inside of me. These women are so young, sure they are all adults and probably even have children.. but they have such an energy!

Thank goodness I am sitting with the speakers mom, a singer/songwriter, we must be the same age. Is she still pursuing a dream, or has she already accomplished what she has set out to do? I want to ask her personal questions, but I don’t. I shared my product and story with her, was she just being polite showing interest in what I’ve created?

Her daughter is now speaking about how she eventually found her calling, finding her soulmate along the way, and how supportive he is. She is surrounded by successful women in her life, and I can feel her energy. While she talks it dawns on me, she has a whole lot of support going on!.

When she finishes to a great round of applause and is posing for pictures, everyone gets up to mingle and network. I sit there alone and digest what just happened. My isolation amid all these successful people makes me even more uncomfortable.. and I want to bolt out the door.

My failure to make the sales I dreamed would happen.. makes me feel like a loser I guess. That’s not how I started out, I need to pull myself together and I do. I make my way to find our speaker and she is busy, so I find her mom and ask if she has a business card for her daughter.

I truly believe when we are ready or open to what the universe has in store for us.. it will find its way to us. My being at this particular function may just be fortuitous.

I am scared but also excited.. Jami our guest speaker has developed a business to help us ‘rise’ above ourselves. She is all about team building and maybe.. just maybe, I am here to find my team.

Getting this far mostly by myself has been challenging, but I never gave up. Maybe it’s time for me to let go..  allow someone to teach me how to soar..  I am so tired of flying solo …img_2195