my cup does not runneth over

My cup does not runneth over…

Not only does my cup not runneth over but I’m having trouble keeping anything in it some days.  It’s a day-to-day thing, I try not to let life get me down but essentially it sucks sometimes. Let’s face it, we don’t have a lot of time left. I’m speaking for old people now not you young uns. We’re living in our twilight years and what a crock that is!  A man’s life expectancy in north America hovers between 75 and 78 years of age, woman’s is 80 to 82 years. Now if I was a man I’d be worried right now, how many of you are doing the math? (yep, I’m old)

My mom died at 77 years; this does not bode well for me. But I’m not here today to talk about dying but rather living. How many here just want to live happily ever after?  I trust that was everyone, but life happens and getting through it sometimes requires the patience of a saint. Saints today are in short supply, but that was never my forte anyway. Our mothers were saints for sure, for the shit we put them through. Here’s the thing, I’m hurting and I’m down for the count.

I’m feeling shitty and have picked up some kind of bug as yet unidentified.  Also, an accumulation of bad luck happening in my life this last while doesn’t help.  I need to get over myself and flush it. Therein lies the problem, how many flushes do I get before all my lines clog up for good? It seems this flushing thing is getting old, as am I, maybe I just need new tools in my coping chest?  I’m tired of getting older and why can’t I live in peaceful bliss? Well, bliss may be too much to ask for but harmony has a nice ring to it, right?

We seniors have survived our share of battles and internal bleeding from raising our families, holding down jobs, or just building our lives and keeping everyone happy. It’s time for the golden years with no stress. Give us a break, call us, love us or just send us money. I’m kidding about the money part, or am I?  Maybe I’m just needing to rant and sometimes it helps. This aging process is not easy on us, forgetting stuff is the pits and no it’s not funny. Truth is, I’ll not live as a burden to anyone, this is non-negotiable.  If I die in my sleep then know it is what I wished for.

Why does this blog keep coming back to death?  I’m not dying, maybe I’m just trying to figure out how to cope with my feelings. We can’t be happy all the time, but Lord knows it’s what I strive for. Give me peace of mind and please no sarcasm, I am the queen of sarcasm, so I know it when I see it. I also know about blurting stuff out without thinking and if I’ve hurt anyone’s feelings, I’m so sorry, I really am. This is one of the reasons I love writing, it gives me time to think and edit and revise.

Needing to let go of negativity and figure my way forward, writing helps me find answers but, as yet it hasn’t shown up here on my page, and so it must be nap time.

So here it is the next day already and I’m feeling a little better.  Some things have a way of resolving themselves and letting go helps.  Flushing trivial shit will be a thing of the past for me and now I will be learning a new skill… letting go, it’s not new, but I’m used to the flushing technique. As I read this over, I noticed in the chapter above, that the first sentence looks like I did figure it out.  Before my nap… then I slept on it, twice!

It’s important to stay positive, negativity is such a drag and actually brings on health issues and that’s why I’m sick, another revelation. The Lord only knows how much life lies before me.  I’m here now and that’s all that matters.  Will I still be learning coping skills if I make it to 80 or 90 or 100 even? Will Tom Selleck still be on my bucket list, not if all the stars align and I get lucky, woohoo kill me now… if you see Tom tell him I said hi :  )

That’s my blog for this week…  “Just let it go” hmm seems to me they made a movie about that?

postscript: I was sick when I wrote this piece and I’m still not 100%. Maybe that’s what was wrong with me.  I gave myself four covid tests, all negative. I can’t seem to shake this flu/cold/respiratory/brain fog. I really like the term BRAIN FOG it encompasses everything I’m feeling.

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November 2022