loving you… Assignment number five, writers course. (my not so perfect life)
loving you.. Assignment number five for my writers’ course. (my not-so-perfect life)
Loving you was never a mistake
I wonder if the love I still feel for you will ever fade away completely. I’ve secreted it away into a tiny crevice of my heart, filled with everything about you; Furtively I sneak it out when I feel the need. These memories are my affirmation of being loved unconditionally for myself alone; sometimes, I need to feel this way again. I wallow until sated, then get back to the business at hand, which is called living. It’s a good life, and mostly I’m happy, but for these occasional lapses.
They hit me unexpectedly, yearnings and a sweet ache for you appear out of nowhere, and it all feels fresh yet again. How is this even possible? My ignorance knows no bounds in affairs of the heart. Three years have passed already since you decided to take a diverse path, which didn’t include us. They say time heals, but how much time, I wonder.
Why, sweet lover, why? I willingly gave up my heart and a piece of my soul in exchange for a life living within the confines of whatever it took to have a sliver of time with you. You were not free, but I accepted that. Does this make me pathetic, I wonder, I hope not. My pain is my own, but it doesn’t make it any less that you decided without consulting us.
The love, joy, and feelings of everything being right in my world were irreplaceable and sacred. We helped each other find a nirvana I didn’t even know existed. This emotional journey into love, oh god, the love, who knew, certainly not me, this is the one thing I couldn’t have anticipated, and it still hurts, I’m not going to lie.
No, far from being pathetic, I’m now a warrior princess, wounded but not dead. I can heal myself with time, and sure, it would be easier if I could hate you, but I don’t. If not for you, I would never have known about joyful love or the exquisite excitement of anticipation, and the feelings of unadulterated passion and contentment.
When you came into my life so unexpectedly, it changed everything, for the good. Leaving a loveless marriage and receiving this amazing gift from the universe was a total surprise for me. Your presence in my life for those eight short years healed wounds accumulated during the course of that forty-year marriage.
My heart was blown wide open to such love and tenderness, and it helped make me the woman I am today. I will never forget you for that reason alone. Should that love never find me again, knowing it exists is enough. I wallowed in it, savored it, and let its exquisite filigreed silk threads envelop me in a warm cocoon of pure bliss.
Emerging from that cocoon was not easy, and this butterfly is not perfect, but she is me. I have loved and been loved, and I now possess survival skills learned along the way in this not-so-perfect life, and I am grateful.
November 18th 2021
Footnote: unbeknownst to me, my lover passed away that very year, five months before I wrote this piece. Writing helps me heal the wounds of this imperfect person living in an imperfect world. That I expose my innermost self is inconsequential to me; my wish is to help others feel less alone with their own feelings. Maybe sharing really is caring … I don’t know.
copyright March 5th, 2023