My days here are numbered, I know and accept this. Also, know that I have lived twelve years longer than my own nana and five years longer than my dad. If I live to be the same age as my mom when she passed, I have three years left. Having said all that I could become a statistic this afternoon on my way to have supper with my newspaper friends; That’s just life, when we are younger we have all the time in the world, not so anymore when we are of age. Btw, my newspaper friends are a group I met through a newspaper ad/clip for older singles getting together.
I have finally decided to be true to myself.. and quit the bullshit niceness. I need to unleash and free the monster in my guts. You know the one, maybe you have one that you keep reigned in. I don’t need to play nice anymore with those I don’t like or don’t wish to associate with. My life is worth something even if it is just to me. There is no reason for me to feel anything other than joy in my shortened lifespan and those that suck out my joy need to go.
It’s easier to get rid of the non-related people; it’s the related ones that we sometimes have to grin and bear it. Well, that’s not totally true we can dismiss or avoid them altogether. The thing is though, with so many broken homes and divorces they are that much harder to avoid. So we put a leash on the creature that wants to lash out and bite them. That smile on my face is pasted on, but the creature is eating away at my insides. In small doses this damage is reparable but the collateral damage of prolonged exposure is much harder to heal.
This brings me to the point of my blog today, it’s time for me to deal with this creature living in my gut. My joy is slowly being devoured, this creature is not helping the good karma I try so hard to bring about. Surely my time here is worth something? Well look at this … a simple solution is forming, how did I not see this before? Probably because of that woman thang, you know, the one we are taught or maybe we are born with it. We are nurturers and peacekeepers and we try to make lives smoother for our loved ones. Love really does live in us for those we care about and we will do almost anything to see them happy.
I’m too old to play games and pretend to be something I am not. Maybe I am not a nice person, I feel I am a good person though. Pretending has never been my strong suit anyway, if you read my blogs you know I can be painfully honest. My passion for writing is my joy and it’s time to face some ugly truths about myself. That nice person is not me, I mean it is if I like you but if I don’t, well I just ignore you. I will never be mean, but honestly if you don’t like me either let’s just not associate together ok? This creature inside of me has been painfully eating away at me lately and it has finally dawned on me why.
I can’t kill you because you are already dead to me anyway and besides I don’t want to spend my time left here in jail. So I’ve decided to satisfy this creature in my gut and let it loose.. have at it! My feelings are important, I matter and my life will be better without these constant run-ins with you. I have decided my path going forward will never cross yours again, it will change how I live my life and that’s ok. I will live with these changes to preserve the joy I have so meticulously cultivated these past ten years.
#mythirdlife #livingmybestlife #lmbl
copyright September 18th, 2021