Mutant Hairs… Urgent Update at the end.
Mutant Hairs
My Granddaughter came to visit me with distressing news she wanted to share. “Nana, you won’t believe this but I had to pluck this really long hair growing out of my chin!” She was only 18 years old and so innocent.
When I was a teenager I used to tell my mom how disgusting it looked, her plucking hairs out of her chin, tweezers in one hand, and magnifying mirror in the other. I can still hear her say “Oh you just wait.. your turn will come” and she would give an evil laugh, just to irritate me even more.
Those words still ring in my ears, this same ritual that so disgusted me is now a part of my own daily rigorous scrutiny.. a huge 20x magic mirror with lights, no less. Now if you are younger quit reading now because this is not a feel-good story, nope there is nothing good about this at all.
We and I use the term lightly because I don’t want to depress you, not everyone goes through this, or do they? Aging is a natural part of our life’s journey. Wrinkles, sagging body parts, memory loss, and thinning hair are all on this dead-end road to aging and always always under construction. Mother Nature has a way of compensating us for the real potholes though. She shrinks us so we are closer to the ground and we’re not so surefooted anymore. We then accumulate pounds down there for good measure, to keep us from tipping over.
Thinning hair is compensated by copious amounts of facial hair sprouting out of our chins. This is only a distraction though, it’s to keep us occupied while she goes about etching fine-line wrinkles onto our faces as we sleep. Sometimes we awake with imprinted road maps all over our bodies and we aren’t even going anywhere! thank goodness they disappear by mid-morning. Those that don’t disappear become part of our ‘character’ trouble is, they already cast that part to that dude that stole Xmas!
While visiting my daughter once she reached out her hand to my chin and said “Do you know you have one long black hair growing under your chin?” That sucker was an inch and a half long and curled up a bit and I was mortified! I had a blind date earlier that week, omg.. is that why he never called back?
I’m okay with all this only because I have a great mirror and really good tweezers, and NO you may not use them, ever! There is also nothing I can do about it. Don’t get too complacent though, because just when you think you have it all under control, Mother Nature throws you another curveball. Have you ever noticed that disgusting hair that grows out of men’s noses? Well hang onto your magnifying mirrors and take a closer look at that uncharted territory. Yep, there it is, a long black hair growing out from the bowels of hell, peeking out 1/4 inch from my nose. Omg how long has it been there, where have I been, who have I seen, or worse yet who has seen me? Shit!
Has it been there the whole time I have been diligently scrutinizing my chin? So in I go and pluck it out (freaking ouch) and you know that old saying? Well, it’s true.. the inside of my nose is now a fertile pasture, growing abundant crops of black nose hairs. Should I plow, mow, or pluck? What the heck is the protocol for nose hairs anyway? Check every day or once a week, a few times I totally forgot, and when I did check I was mortified. What did I do to deserve this I wonder?
Moving on, I also lament that as our eyesight gets poorer which is maybe a blessing, the more places we need to scrutinize for mutant hairs. My eyebrows, which I never had any problems with, are now growing straight out instead of lying flat. Now what the heck is the purpose of this I wonder? To pluck these mutant eyebrows was okay at first, but now they too are multiplying so fast that if I pluck them all, I will be brow-less.
This is not to be confused with bra-less. For all of us well-endowed old gals going the bra-less route, please go and get fitted for a proper bra. We need to capture those girls and set them back up where they belong when we’re in public. They have great bras now and mine is so comfortable I can sleep in it. To everyone else reading this, you’re welcome
Let’s face it, our memory fades for a reason, there are just so many things we need to remember to do, with our face alone. Then there is the rest of our body, which also needs regular maintenance. All you young gals out there shaving and waxing every hair on your body, you need to save your strength, energy, and time for when the real work kicks in, just saying.
I’ve compiled a mini-guide for facial hair: a reference if you will and I’m adding in stuff as I age, sorry/not sorry.
- Check your face and nose every three days regardless, preferably in natural sunlight, if not, use your rearview mirror in your vehicle trust me on this. I was housebound for a few days and on my way out the door I checked my magic mirror omg. By the way, sunlight highlights the almost invisible ones that you can’t see, but by God, you can feel those little bastards..
- Now, this is a new phenomenon and happened just this week. I noticed a little ‘gap’ in my eyebrows and wondered what the hell. Turns out it was only three gray hairs growing there and by the time I managed to pluck all three and ten more by mistake, my little gap turned into a pothole and now I need to fill it in with an eyebrow pencil. First-world problems I know but damn.
- Always, always, check under your chin or both if you have em, some very long ones will try to lay claim there and little kids love to point that out in public. “Nana you have hair growing out of your chin” She also loves jiggling my chins, God bless the children.
UPDATE … URGENT!
Well if you aren’t doing the magic mirror in the sunlight thing, better rethink that option. I happened out onto my patio for morning coffee a few weeks ago bringing my magic mirror with me. I centered it on my face and the sun hit it just so that the magnifying part was burning my face. I quickly corrected it BUT not before I caught a glimpse of a field of ultra-light blonde/grey hairs growing profusely all over my upper lip! OMG
Now please know that I scrutinize my face for mutant hairs religiously. This phenomenon took me completely off gaurd, we’re talking a field here and not just a couple of mutant ones. Uh uh, this was such a total surprise to me, wth? I don’t know what the solution is but I’ve been setting time aside weekly now, to quickly pluck these before I burn my face. This is not to be confused with regular plucking which I do daily now, btw. If you don’t have the time don’t go looking for them, but trust me they are there!
I know the younger gals use something on their faces to get rid of hair all over, it’s not a razor but? Should I be looking at something like that I wonder or maybe a bag to wear over my head? We can get away with a mask for sure but what the heck is next I wonder… ah well, first-world problems I know, but shit!!!!!! March 2nd 2024
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December 16th, 2016