mutant hairs run amok

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my mom how disgusting it looked, her plucking hairs out of her chin, tweezers in one hand, and magnifying mirror in the other. I can still hear her say “oh you just wait.. your turn will come” and she would give an evil laugh, just to irritate me even more.

Those words still ring in my ears as this same ritual that so disgusted me, is now a part of my own daily rigorous scrutiny.. a huge 20x magic mirror with lights, in my hand. Now if you are younger quit reading now because this is not a feel-good story.. nope, nothing good about this at all.

We, and I use the term lightly because I don’t want to depress you, not everyone goes through this, or do they? Aging is a natural part of our life’s journey. Wrinkles, sagging body parts, memory loss, and thinning hair are all on this road that is always under construction.

Mother Nature has a way of compensating for these potholes though. She shrinks us so we are closer to the ground when we are not so surefooted anymore. She then adds pounds down there for good measure, to keep us from tipping over?

Thinning hair is compensated by copious amounts of facial hair sprouting out of our chins. This is only a distraction though, it keeps us occupied from worrying too much about all those wrinkles she is etching into our faces, as we sleep.

Waking up with road maps on our face and elsewhere is discouraging especially when we are not traveling anywhere, thank god they disappear by mid-morning. Those that don’t disappear become part of our ‘character’ trouble is, they already cast that part, to that dude that stole Xmas!

While visiting my daughter once she reached out her hand to my chin and said “do you know you have a black long hair growing under your chin?” That sucker was an inch and a half long and curled up a bit and I was mortified! I had a date earlier that week, omg.. is that why he never called back?

I’m ok with all this only because I have a great mirror and really good tweezers, and NO you may not use them, ever! There is also nothing I can do about it. Don’t get too complacent though, because just when you think you have it all under control, mother nature throws you another curveball.

Do you know that disgusting hair that grows out of men’s noses? Well hang onto your magnifying mirrors and take a closer look at that uncharted territory, on our own faces! Yep there it is, a long black hair from the bowels of hell, peeking out from my nose. Omg how long has it been there, where have I been, who have I seen, or worse yet who has seen me? Shit!

Has it been there the whole time I have been diligently scrutinizing my chin? So in I go and I pluck it out (freaking ouch) and you know that old saying? Well, it is true.. the inside of my nose is now a fertile pasture, growing abundant crops of black nose hairs. Should I plow, mow or pluck?

What the heck is the protocol for nose hairs anyway? Should I check every day or once a week.. a few times I totally forgot and when I did check I was mortified. What did I do to deserve this I wonder?

Moving on, I also lament that as our eyesight gets poorer which is maybe a blessing, the more places we need to scrutinize for mutant hairs. My eyebrows, which I never had any problems with, are now growing straight out instead of lying flat. Now, what the heck is the purpose of this I wonder?

To pluck these mutant eyebrows was ok at first, but now they too are multiplying so fast that if I pluck them all, I will be brow-less.

This is not to be confused with bra-less. All of us well-endowed old gals going the bra-less route, need to capture those girls and set them back up where they belong when in public. They have great bras now and if you are fitted correctly they are comfortable enough to sleep in. To everyone else reading this, you’re welcome

Let’s face it, our memory fades for a reason, there are just so many things we need to remember to do, with our face alone. Then there is the rest of our body, which also needs regular maintenance. All you young gals out there shaving and waxing every hair on your body, you need to save your strength, energy, and time for when the real work kicks in, just saying.

I wonder if I cut those eyebrow hairs shorter will they hurt or maim any of my potential dates, that is if we make it to the kissy-face stage.


Copyright December 16th 2016