Slaying our dragons

Quitting smoking, leaving a forty year marriage, slaying a green eyed monster.. complicated challenges taking years to accomplish. Day to day living even, with occasional unforeseen curveballs exploding in my personal space. Daunting.. yes, but I found strength somewhere, sometimes just giving it up to a higher power.

Making it to old age is a good thing isn’t it? Many don’t get that choice, others leave us too soon and some choose to give up. As we age life doesn’t magically get better. There are hidden dangers of another sort waiting to challenge us. They don’t take away our stoves for no reason, there must be a dead senior somewhere, don’t you think?

Forgetfulness is a real dilemma, as is walking on ice or any uneven surfaces .. sometimes even just walking, now where was I? hmmm…

Chances are if you have gotten to my age I’m pretty sure you have slayed your own share of dragons. We are the generation that invented drinking and driving, smoking packs of cigarettes along the way and LSD was our friend. We smoked in airplanes too! How many can say that?

Horrified, we witnessed our kids fall down stairs in those baby walker thingys. TV was our babysitter, gratefully parking them in front it to watch violent cartoons. What was that giants name, shit.. he had a rooster named Rusty? Feeding them baby food that contained pesticides. Sugar was our friend.. here have some more sugar pops or fruit loops..

Living with all those terrible things that we did to our kids. Oh, and don’t worry, we won’t soon forget that stuff, our kids secret joy is in reminding us. (in front of anybody btw) “I hid all of moms wooden spoons!” is my daughters favorite expose’ “all the ones that weren’t broken, from hitting me.” oy…

I feel like such a loser when she brings that up, btw I never broke a wooden spoon on her.. ever! I shoulda used a broom I guess, witch that I am.. ah well, then she could have a really good story. My son, the favorite one, so she says.. just didn’t challenge me the way she did. She was my first born and always my favorite.. I let her live didn’t I?

The forgetfulness is real and my secret fear is Alzheimers or dementia, which assaults me right this minute. What did I sit down here to write about hmmm.. I wanted to write about my successes, and out comes my failures, go figure! Why is it we judge ourselves by our children anyway? Its true, my children can make or break me.

Sometimes I feel like my daughter hates me and my son just wants me to shut up. Its really hard for me to keep my mouth shut, sometimes I say things without thinking. Writing stuff down helps me sort through my thoughts and helps me make sense of what I want to say. Unfortunately we can’t text our conversations at the dinner table.. or can we?

This digital age is taking away our conversations, why phone when you can text? Instead of face to face, we can text what we want to say. This could take some of the sting out of a bad choice of words, or words that came out wrong or even mis-construed.

My almost three year old granddaughters latest to me is “I don’t like nana!” Well that sure hurt, and being the adult that I am, I told her I didn’t like her either! Now if she could text I would have just sent her ugly faces.. but I sent her to her room instead ‘to think about it.’ This is how I disciplined her dad, he is getting even with me now, drawing an imaginary zipper across his mouth when he wants me to shut up.

To be fair my granddaughter doesn’t like her mom sometimes either, so she is definitely going through the terrible twos. I wonder how my daughter feels about her parenting now that her two kids are grown up and away from home? Does she sometimes feel like a failure, I wonder? What could I have done differently… I just don’t know.

My success or failure as a parent is not what I had in mind to write about, but here it is warts and all. Our generation of women accomplished a lot.. most while holding down fulltime jobs as well. Our focus should always be on our achievements and our victories, even if we are the only witness to the dragons we secretly slayed.. all by ourselves!

I am a mom and a nana, and even if I sometimes feel I should do more, well ya know..  I do the best I can with what I have, inside of me :  ) My love for my family.. especially my grandkids, even the one that doesn’t like her nana, has no limits..

 “When you know better .. you do better” Maya Angelou