Fathers Day is not a given, it has to be earned…

Father’s Day is not a given, it needs to be earned.

Writing about my father seemed like a good idea with Father’s Day coming up, but as I sat there I wondered what the heck was I going to write. My mom left my dad when I was twelve, the oldest of six. Do I write about when we were a family or do I write about an absentee father?

My dad played hockey in Saskatoon in his younger days and was fond of saying “Gordie Howe used to carry my hockey skates.” He enlisted in the army and served in World War Two with The Princess Pats Light Infantry Division. He ended up playing some hockey in the UK before being deployed to Italy. Wars change people, I think it changed my dad as he would never discuss what happened over there.

Returning home he got back into hockey. There is the story that has been told of his trip east, his ticket was paid to travel by train to Toronto with his buddies (Tony Leswick comes to mind) to attend a hockey camp for the NHL. My Dad liked alcohol and liked to gamble.  He was also a womanizer and was fond of saying “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Once on the rink though, all bets were off! He played defense and his best skill was getting the puck out of the corners and maybe that’s where he got his nickname “Slugger.” Most everyone called him Slug because of his prowess in slugging it out in the corners. If the going got tough send in Slug.. he would come out with the puck every time, or so I was told by his buddies.

My dad never made it to that NHL camp.  He got into a card game with friends on that train and they tied into the whiskey. They were having such a great time they decided to get off the train at a stop in Winnipeg and keep the party going. So ended any NHL dreams he may have had. One of his buddies Tony Leswick, went on to play for the Chicago Black Hawks.

My Mom was pregnant with me when they married and moved to the west coast. We did a lot of traveling in those years. Dad was a hockey player in the minor leagues (Vancouver Canucks 46-47). A story I heard often was of my mom at eight months pregnant, climbing over the boards to rush to my dad’s side when he was hurt in a fight. That must have been quite a sight to see.

A memory flashed into my mind .. back in Saskatoon in an earlier grade (we moved between BC and Saskatchewan several times while I was growing up) I attended St Mary’s Catholic school. One of the nuns sent me to the principal’s office where Walter Podiluk gave me the strap (I have no idea why.. I’m sure I didn’t kill anyone). I do remember, to this day, refusing to ever go back to school again, I was soooo humiliated.

My dad finally cajoled me into returning. He walked with me back to that school (nine long blocks in those days, before school buses). I think he had words with old Walter Podiluk. I was called back into his office and got a sorta of apology from him.

There’s also this mental picture of my dad walking down our Street from working the docks on Lulu Island in New Westminster, BC. I can still picture us kids running to greet him as he scooped us all up. He has the biggest happiest smile on his face. He loved us a lot I think.

Another memory of him taking me to get my first new dress at age 11 years old, for the Mayday festivities at school on Lulu Island. That was a big deal for me and I was so excited. I still remember that dress, a pink sleeveless with a little white collar. He knew nothing about shopping but he let me pick out that dress and he paid for it and I was thrilled.

My dad was a great cook (mom, not so much) and we always seemed to thrive when he was around, which wasn’t often because he worked two jobs to keep us fed. With six of us kids that’s a lot of mouths, isn’t it? The second job he worked at was as a bartender and that was maybe a mistake. My dad and mom fought a lot with his late nights and his drinking.

He was a joker, a charmer, and a very sociable person, with a quip for everything. When I asked him once about his medals from the war he said they were for being first in the food line every day. When asked about his injuries to his backside he’d always quip “I got shot running from the enemy!”

Everyone loved my dad… I loved my dad even more than my mom, and I hated my mom for leaving him. I realized years later she had no choice. He seemed to forget all about us kids when she moved us back to Saskatoon, that was a bitter pill to swallow. How does a man disconnect from six children who so obviously loved and adored him? I know he loved us and I know we loved him. To this day I still don’t understand how a man can do that.

Many years later I concluded that wars can change people and maybe that explains how my dad was able to disconnect from the real world.

I also have a theory about absentee dads and their daughters. When we grow up without a father’s love I think we seek it in men we meet and especially those that reject us. We strive to make them love us to prove we are lovable and that’s probably why a lot of us end up staying in bad relationships.

Having a strong mother can counter-act that but you would have to be an extraordinary mother. Being a single mom living on welfare with six kids in tow kept my mom from following any dreams she may have had. She was been ill-prepared for the life that lay ahead of her, as were we kids. Most of my memories from back then are recessed away somewhere and are hard for me to recall… or maybe I don’t have a need to relive them.

I did have contact with my dad in my later teens, living with him for a spell. I was somewhat of a handful by then and turns out I needed to find my own way, after all.

When my dad passed away at 69 years of age, I traveled to be at his bedside. I sat with him throughout the night but didn’t get to talk with him before he passed. I did let him know that I forgave him for not being there for me... and that was maybe more for me than for him.

He was my dad and even though I still don’t understand a lot of things, I still loved him.. that little child in us that never grows up, perhaps?

If you are a dad with daughters reading this.. please know you are the most important man in their life. Your guidance and love are going to be instrumental in their future well-being and happiness. I wish you strength, wisdom, and lots of patience.

Happy Father’s Day

copyright June 2014

Footnote June 16th, 2024

I wrote that 10 years ago and I still like it BUT I want to add the following to this.

I made a vow to myself that when I got married and had kids they would NEVER have to experience coming from a broken home.  Nor would they have to experience changing schools all the time because of moves made by parents.  I kept that promise. It wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do, for me. To all you moms out there that are raising kids on your own… you are my heroes. To those who stayed together for the kids, you deserve kudos as well and have my utmost respect.

Once the kids are gone then do what you have to do to make your own life livable. I would do it all again, but I would have tried to find a way out sooner, once the kids were gone. We do what we have to.

Oh, and I am living my-third and best life ever.