deja vu memories

Overhearing my ex talking with his brothers, it feels like I entered a time capsule. It is the August long weekend at the lake and everyone is up. My son’s lakefront cabin (where my old one used to stand) is a focal point for the gathering of friends and family. Being divorced for these last ten years, the ex and I rarely see each other. Lake-time we all seem to show up here at our own respective places. My son lets me stay in his old cabin beside his new one, and I really appreciate this.

As the ex is going on and on about something trivial, I have this deja vu moment and realize how much my life has changed. It seems to me that he is stuck in a time capsule. I listen as he recounts the same stories I have heard so many times before, in another life. Do I do that I idly wonder, surely not? I want to correct him on some points but we are not on the same playing field anymore. The truth is that I have no desire to facetime with him whatsoever. We are cordial because that is what is needed for the sake of our kids and our beautiful grandchildren. Family is so precious to me and the kids love their father and grandfather.

I’ve decided to write about this only because of that Deja vu moment and my realization of how far apart our lives are today. I need to be honest here and honestly if we never crossed paths again, I’m ok with that. Is this just me or do other divorced spouses feel the same? We really are two different people and I still marvel at how we spent 40 years together without bloodshed, well not visible blood I guess. Have I changed that much or has he not changed at all these past years? His words ring out loud and clear into my head as I’m writing this “I haven’t changed in all these years, what makes you think I will change now?” This was his reply to my last-ditch attempt to reconcile our marriage woes. AND THERE IT IS!  See what writing it down does for me? Deja vu of course, he hasn’t changed, not one little bit, but oh my I feel like I have won the lottery! There but for the grace of God go I and I count my blessings.

How is it we go through life at varying levels with different mindsets, some venture forth while others stay mired in the past? My mind is always searching forward, looking back is counter-productive for me. Experiencing and reflecting on life’s endless possibilities is something that excites me and keeps me focused. Making changes along the way comes as easily to me as is getting lost along the way. I am directionally challenged and it’s a bonus sometimes as I explore the roads less traveled.

This pandemic has changed my life as well, I still have the same dreams of exploring the world, just a much scaled-back version. Friends and family and relationships are what really matter to me now. Gratitude has taken on a whole new meaning, believe me when I say I am so thankful for all I have and have been able to do these past years. Listening to the Ex and his brothers discuss their world was such a weird experience. My life is so different now, and gratitude overwhelms me once more. How many women I wonder are stuck in a world with little joy and each day seems to be a struggle?

It’s not hard to change your life, the hardest part is making the decision I think. Please don’t think I am being judgemental, Lord knows I am not the one to give advice on anything. But know this, once I made the decision I never looked back. I was scared and alone, but believing my life should not be so hard and joyless gave me strength. What if I never got to live my own life? I felt like I was living someone else’s life, and in actuality, I was.

I make my own decisions now, most are good and a few may be bad and sure some may even be sketchy, but hey..  they are my decisions and what doesn’t kill me only makes me wiser. Everything I do and work at and love and experiment with is all of my own doing. I am making my own life and I have no regrets, well actually that’s not totally true. That guy I took to Vegas with me was a big mistake, but one that I never repeated. Most of my stories from my new life are upbeat and informative, I have learned a lot and loved a lot as well. And Yes Virginia there is even sex after sixty and dare I say even better than what went before?

the end…

copyright August long weekend 2021