I am “enough”

I AM ENOUGH

I’ve been carrying around a secret for most of my life, is it because I’m a female? I happen to think it is, I was not sharing this with anyone. It’s from when I was young, single, and dating, I think as women we all have stories that we prefer not to share.

Eventually getting married and finding a full-time job before kids came into the picture, was something planned. Being an entrepreneur starting a hairstyling salon and becoming a businesswoman was not planned, but I kinda fell into it. Back then we didn’t have labels for what we were doing, in fact juggling all these roles was part of my life and I just did it.

There was that time I had to find a new babysitter for my son, he was four years old and my daughter was already in grade school. Dropping him off at a new place wasn’t easy, he didn’t want to stay there. They called me partway through my busy day to come and get him. I was lucky I owned my hair salon and was able to pick him up and bring him back to work with me. Turns out he refused to eat or interact with the other kids and just sat in a corner. How many times had I wished I could do that when I got overwhelmed? He came to work with me for a whole week until I could find someone he trusted. I always felt a sense of guilt about having to leave him, but I did what was expected of me, and I had a business to run.

I believe being a woman back then relegated most of us to ‘lesser than’ status, than our husbands. His job, his well-being, and his comfort always came before my own. It just did. Times have changed, I know, and thank goodness for that. My son is now a caring dad who shares in the household chores and is mindful of his wife’s well-being. I am most proud of that.

My daughter had it much tougher, her marriage came apart while her children were young and still in school. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Today she is a strong caring woman working with challenged and handicapped adults in the homecare field and I am so proud of her. She is also helping raise another family with her partner who is mindful of her happiness.

Sometimes I wish I could have those days to do over again, I would find more time to spend with my kids. Being all things to everyone but ourselves was just expected. How is it that I made everyone’s lunches every day, and not once did anyone make my lunch?

In a perfect world, we raise our children to do better than us. Coming from a broken home myself, my mom raised seven of us while on welfare. I learned early on to take care of not only myself but my younger siblings too. This was just a part of my life growing up. My mom had her hands full but did the best she could.

I also remember an early lesson learned from her. A falling out with a close girlfriend had me chumming around with a new one. My mom overheard me gossiping to her about my old friend. She cautioned me about doing that, “It is not nice” and “What if your new girlfriend hooks up with your old girlfriend and they  badmouth you?” Well, she predicted that right on, I was ten years old and never forgot that lesson. She also instilled a sense of being a ‘good person’ in me, and I think that is the most important lesson of all.

As females, I also think we have a self-preservation code embedded in us somewhere. It’s because of our gender that many of us were easy targets for the male species. The ‘Me Too’ movement was long overdue but those of us who are seniors, of which I am one, know exactly what this is about. I can’t even count how many times in my younger life as a server/waitress, I had been sexually harassed. It was a subculture in most hotel kitchens back then and the chefs were very intimidating.

Dealing with male intimidation was part of our introduction and induction to womanhood. Being ‘the weaker sex’ we had to be on guard… always. I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not.

My secret involves a weekend visit when I flew to see my dad in another province. He took me along with him to visit with friends at a local bar where he worked part-time. There was a whole table of us having drinks and laughing and joking, I was enjoying myself.  My dad was tired and wanted to leave early, so one of the guys offered to drive me home.  I wasn’t on my guard, also .. these were ‘friends’ who knew my dad.

When it was time to leave, this man drove down an open divided freeway that was deserted that time of night.  He pulled over to the far right side of that highway and parked. I was really confused. He turned to me and calmly said “I expect you to come across and have sex with me” he then shared “I have a big knife under my seat if you refuse.” I was stunned, but my mind was racing and my quick thinking saved me from being raped or worse. That I had to jump out of a slowly moving vehicle turning into an alley, in the middle of winter, barefooted, was inconsequential. He had made me take off my boots and pantyhose, and along with my purse threw them into the backseat area, before consenting to move to a more secluded spot. I needed to get closer to the homes that I spotted, overlooking that freeway. As he slowed down to turn into that alley I grabbed the door handle and jumped out of that car and ran as fast as I could to the closest house. I was banging on their door and screaming for help while he sped off cursing.

The two older adults looked out at me but wouldn’t even let me in, I probably scared the bejesus outta them. It was minus temps with snow on the ground and here’s this barefooted wild-eyed girl yelling at them to please call the police. I was so scared he was going to come back and get me, I didn’t even feel the cold. Two police detectives arrived shortly after, picked me up, and took me to police headquarters. There I was able to identify my perpetrator from mug shots shown to me. My purse, pantyhose, and boots were delivered to me the next day at my dad’s place by the detectives (I sent up a secret thanks that my dad wasn’t home). They had recovered them from the guy’s lawyer! The detectives told me to consider myself ‘lucky’. The perpetrator ended up going scott-free because I didn’t physically see the knife. I also couldn’t afford to come back to testify if it went to court. I often wonder how many other women were not so ‘lucky!’

I never told anyone, not my friends, not even my dad. Self-preservation is built into us I think, as women we cope with whatever comes our way.

Why do we assume that when life takes an unwelcome turn we are to blame? We could have stopped it somehow, or we should have foreseen consequences that are totally out of our control.

I have two wonderful, capable, and dare I say, brilliant children. I am proudest of this.

I am also proud of myself for finally believing in myself and mustering up the courage to leave a marriage that made me feel.. less than.

I’m certainly not a role model, it took me years to figure out what I needed to learn, but I did. I’m a good person and what happened to me was not my fault. The only thing that WAS my fault was accepting this belief in the first place. If you took control of your life today, if you alone were responsible for your well-being and happiness, what changes would you make?

I believe in myself and very seldom do I ever look back. I am my own woman,  and… I am enough.

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Dec. 6th 2020