My blogging pretty much dried up this last while.. well over three months going on four. All of a sudden I had nothing to say it seems. This is not a lengthy amount of time, but when you are waiting on results from an MRI and biopsy it seems like forever. I have a new appreciation for all those ‘waiting in limbo’.
Limbo is not such a bad place.. life goes on around you and you participate accordingly. The difference was in me, I didn’t allow myself to think too far ahead. Sure a movie or get together with friends or even maybe a concert a month away. Making travel plans is out of the equation entirely.
That was the hardest part for me. I love to travel and I get excited just planning where I want to go next. Finding a great deal on airfare can turn into an exotic cruise to Indonesia and Hong Kong and even Australia. Seeing the world has been my passion these past years.
All that changed in an instant.. as abruptly as finding out a friend betrayed your confidences, or a husband cheated on you or a boyfriend dumped you. These sound frivolous to what you are actually feeling, but it is hard to describe exactly what I was feeling. Betrayed is as close as I can get, I guess.
My own body was sending out signals of something not right, and it turned into a nightmare of sorts. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about living life fully and in the moment, when my time comes I will be able to say “I lived!” I know this may not make sense, but how do you fully live if you don’t know if you are going to have a life. The hard part about this for me, was losing my freedom.. which progressed to living in limbo.
Going south to my place in Yuma was out of the question. I needed to wait for appointments to be made, that turned into waiting for the actual appointments, after they were made.This was basically turning into a waiting game, which isn’t a game at all.. when it deals with your own mortality.
Feeling quite helpless I decided to take a pro-active approach, only because I needed to do something! How many of us get a wake-up call and then decide hmmmm.. maybe I should start taking better care of myself? I know it is after the fact, but I had nothing to lose.
Seeing a naturopath and changing my lifestyle and eating habits kept my mind busy, and distracted somewhat. Quitting coffee, white sugar and especially salt.. god how I loved salt.. was not as bad as I thought. Drinking what seemed like ton of water, was much harder to do..
The changes I made were good for me and I even feel better. We all know what we should eat and what we shouldn’t.. same with exercise, we all need to move more. The supplements are extra, and acidophilus is like eating yogurt right? Green papaya for digestion and some graviola pills to shrink tumours (well my doctor didn’t disagree with my regimen).
Brown bread, no white flour.. organic.. no microwaves, it is all a journey. Reading labels should be simple, right? Well it isn’t, carry a magnifying glass or those extra strength reading glasses.. don’t eat anything you can’t pronounce, by god I’ll pronounce it if I can! Biofeedback the second time was energizing.. the first was bewildering.
Waiting and more waiting .. a small reprieve.. a six week wait for an MRI! I can wait down south at my place in sunny Arizona .. “take in the rays” says my specialist, I like her already. A terrible cold gets me two days into my southern exposure, I am sicker than a dog for three weeks.. go figure!
The call comes less than a month into my stay and I head back home. MRI done and a week later some time in surgery for another procedure. That took in more time and the waiting is another 4-6 weeks for results. Why does everything take so long? I think I am doing everything positive and keeping the faith.. I am still living in limbo and trying not to think.. I think.. sigh
Meantime I have a new grandchild and I am in awe.. this precious little girl is so special and beautiful.. life is so good. I am thrilled for my kids.. they waited so long for this little miracle. It crosses my mind that maybe I won’t be here to see her grow up, but I quickly shunt that thought to the side.
My life is not my own anymore, it has changed and I don’t even know what to think about anything. I try not to think and decide to go back south to wait out the results, maybe it will be my last time there. Pushing away thinking has become an extension of my psyche.. just don’t think!
I recognize the phone number from my doctor, as I come back from supper in my hotel room, on my way south. How did I miss the call, but there is a message. I sit down on the bed and stare at the number and I know in my gut that this can’t be good. It has been only two weeks and they said it takes 4-6 weeks… my god.. my heart sinks, tears finally flow freely, for the first time in months I let myself feel..
When I finally listen to the message I need to replay it three times .. it is all good.. all the testing came back and I am in the clear! I sit there and let it sink in.. my god.. a great wall of relief rushes in and fills the big black hole that was starting to form inside me. There is no happy dance, just pure relief that I have dodged a bullet.
I think of all those that haven’t dodged that bullet, a new appreciation for the journeys they face seeps into my consciousness. There but for the grace of god.. I will never do a happy dance.. in respect for them.
I promise myself to keep up with my holistic approach and practices .. who is to say that what I have been doing did not help with my outcome? A great weight I didn’t even know I was carrying was lifted, I can breath again! I got my life back and I am so grateful..
so.. so grateful.. I have always been grateful. Be kind, be generous, be thoughtful and show your love, always show your love.. we have an expiry date.. lets all be that ‘best before’…