survival mode

A close dear relative of mine is dying, well he has been dying for some time now. Doctors gave him 6 months a couple years ago, then came back with a possibility of dying by getting hit by a bus. Well the bus theory hasn’t happened (but he’s not dead yet..) meanwhile the cancer lives on. Doctors should never tell people they only have so long to live.

We are all going to live and that is a fact, and we are all going to die and that is also a fact. Getting hit by a bus is probably not going to happen. Being randomly shot while visiting in the states is more of a probability. Living while we’re here should be our goal, dontcha think? Watch out for busses and travel to Mexico instead.

Why are so many of us in survival mode, anyway? If I can just make it past this work week, then the week-end is here .. if only I could make more money, if I join a gym maybe.. if, if, if what? We are just surviving long enough for what I wonder? Are we putting off living our life until we can.. enjoy it, ya think?

I have put off writing because, well.. because, hmmm, my place is a mess and needs cleaning! Instead of writing I need to get my shit together and clear up this chaos I create whenever I’m home. The latest is leftovers from my garage sale, it weighs on me like a ton of “whatever made you think you need to keep all this crap?” Jesus..

Moments stolen reading or writing sometimes makes me feel guilty. But.. but.. why should that be, I am single and have to answer to no one but myself.

Yesterday I decided to be kinder to myself.. forget the mess! I pulled out a book and made myself something nice to eat. Then I decided to just clean around the kitchen area when I went for a snack, then back to my book. Did that a couple times and voila, I actually got something done. More important however, is that I actually enjoyed my day.

Today will be the  same, my needs come first. The tidying up yesterday came naturally maybe because I gave myself permission to leave it a mess.. nothing deep there huh? I’m not a psychologist, only trying to survive here, but living is what we all should be doing.

Thanks to my dying relative, something kinda changed for me. I can do whatever I please, but why do I keep forgetting that? Am I pleasing imaginary people that are never going to visit? Why am I not just pleasing myself? (well I do that too sometimes, but I digress..lol)

I confess to weeping most of the way home from my visit with my dear friend and relative.

Why.. why, oh why.. and I have no answers. My dying friend just wishes for a good day with no pain. Sure we can say life is painful, and we all have our crosses, but do we really? Why are we making it harder than what it really is? Most of us are not in physical pain each day or wishing for a just pain free day.. lord how fortunate is that..

We need to be kinder to ourselves.. and I mean that in every way. I think women especially need to hear this, we are naturally nurturers and worry about everyone elses comfort and happiness. What do you really want, ok.. gonna rephrase that, what can you do that will make you happy right now?

Do not use this to figure out how to make someone else happy ..

Do something today that makes ONLY YOU happy. Give yourself permission to let go and just do whatever you want to do. Sleep all day.. eat whatever you want.. read that book.. buy that dress, or purse or shoes.. god I love buying shoes.. and EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!

DO NOT CLEAN ANYTHING.. unless that makes you happy and if that is the case then come and clean my place ok?

YEP .. if anyone asks just say “I’m in my happy place” and there’s only room for one :  )